Their separate scandals are totally “blowing up” and yet … they aren’t going to rock your world.

The thing about an “October Surprise” is, for my taste, it has to be surprising to really satisfy that October feeling. Which is the only thing about the ones the MSM unleashed on Donald Trump in the last five days that doesn’t quite seem right. Everything else about them, from the attitude, to the allegations, to the reactions, are absolutely exactly what we would expect them to be. In fact, how we said out loud many times they would definitely be.

First, there was the Trump tape. On it, as everyone already knows all too well, Trump described gross behavior in crude terms that showed his attitude toward women. An attitude we were all already familiar with.

Then, predictably, Trump said it was all talk, but he would never actually do the things he described. Equally predictably, in the last 24 hours, several women have come forward saying that he did exactly that. Their stories are credible, they are detailed, and they won’t (you can bet on it) be the only ones. There will be more.

Also unsurprising is the chorus of “but Bill Clinton” from his wide base of apologists, who at this point are too invested and have put too much on the line to just say “nevermind, I was wrong, he’s dirt.” They can’t get away with it. They are stuck. Sad.

It was unsurprising that Katrina Pierson would offer possibly the dumbest defense in the history of political scandals. It was unsurprising that Roger Stone would double down on being a dick. It was unsurprising that his biggest fans would call all of these women liars (and other, worse things). None of this has been a surprise.

I was a little surprised at Jeff Sessions, who inexplicably decided there is no such thing as sexual assault. It wasn’t even necessary for him to do so in order to defend Trump. He just took the extra step.

Could it be because he knew what was coming? He knew Trump had actually grabbed women and forced himself on them? Was it preemptive judgment lapse? Anticipatory amnesia about the law?

But still, a minor surprise even that. We already know the disease vector of Trumpism eventually has you saying unforgivable things in order to defend him. That’s just how it works.

With all the latest allegations, it is clear that Donald is not on the same wavelength as most of America, even despite the dismaying number of people of low character who are publicly defending him. Americans don’t generally condone grabbing strange women by their genitals, forcing their tongues down the throat of female reporters while your wife is practically in the next room, pursuing married women for sport, or any of the other grotesque things Donald “Cosby” “Clinton” Trump has done. He’s not like the rest of us. He is worse. He is more gross. He is less nice.

In point of fact, he bragged that he was a serial committer of sexual misconduct and assault, and now women are coming forward to confirm this. It’s not about his choice of words. It’s his character and his actions, both of which are despicable. Deplorable, even.

The Hillary Clinton October Surprises are equally unsurprising. So much so that people aren’t even calling them an October Surprise. The leaked emails, particularly from Podesta, should be damning enough to be considered the shoe drop, but …

She mocks religion. She lies to the American people. She coordinates with the press. She gives out political favors to big donors. All this has come from the leaks. None of it is a surprise. Is any bit of that out of character for her?

This doesn’t even count the things we already knew or learned over the last few months, including her lying to victim’s families, giving people access in exchange for their contributions to the Clinton Foundation, mishandling of classified information, obstruction of justice, destruction of evidence, lying to Congress … the list goes on. And we haven’t even had time to go through the latest, dubbed the “Podesta Leak.”

But like Trump, Hillary’s big secrets are all just confirmation of things we already knew. They are both garbage. Everyone already knew they were garbage, now we have evidence they are garbage.

Both of them may have broken the law. Let’s say that again. Both of the people running for President may have crimes that they have committed for which there is evidence and for which they have not yet paid a price. Both people. On the major party tickets. Are probably criminals.

That, in a sum total, is surprising. That summary is surprising.

It’s a disaster that this is where we are.

If Republicans have any sense, and I’ve seen no evidence whatsoever that they do, they will replace Trump. He doesn’t want to be the losingest candidate in American history. And he absolutely expects to lose. That’s why he’s been playing “who’s to blame” even though there’s still a month to go. He has a legacy to think of. He doesn’t want to get fired. He wants to quit. We should convince him to quit. The party should find a replacement.

If Democrats have any morals, and I’ve seen no evidence that they do, they will replace Hillary. Oh, she can win. She will probably win. She can expect the media to let her get away with all her wrongdoing. Judicial Watch is uncovering the truth about her. NBC, ABC, CNN, and even Fox News are not. We already know the government won’t punish her.

So the Democrats don’t have to replace her. But they should. This race shouldn’t be this close. And while she might squeak past Trump, she won’t have the support of the American people. She’ll be the most hated President we’ve had going in the door. Considering the disaster her “more Obama” policies will produce, I don’t see her numbers picking up as time goes by. So they should replace her even though they don’t have to.

But of course, Republicans almost certainly won’t show the sense needed to Dump Trump. And Democrats definitely will not show the moral fortitude required to Dump Hillary.

So we get two criminals(pending) on the two major party tickets, and no matter which one wins, a President who will probably have the lowest day one poll numbers in American history.

If you are frustrated by this, then you are correct. If you wish for a way out of it, I have nothing to offer you. In my case, I simply won’t be voting for Donald or Hillary. I won’t vote for rape or sexual assault and I won’t vote for blatant corruption or criminally negligent homicide. I won’t do it.

Not that it makes a difference. Alea iacta est. The die is cast. I will vote for Gary Johnson, because I believe that the Libertarian idea that less government is better government is the only path forward for our country, even if they have an imperfect messenger. But that’s just me. I have no advice for you.

Except to pray. And maybe get a crisis garden or something. I’m sure there’s a doomsday commercial on Fox News that can fill you in.