My Mom always maintained that if humans ever became extinct, raccoons would take our place as the dominant mammal on the planet. As evidence, she offered the intelligence of these little masked bandits, as well as their dexterous, hand-like paws and their amazing adaptability. She made some good points, and yes, raccoons are impressive in their ability to get into almost anything - and like humans, their digestive systems are basically garbage disposals. They can eat anything, and they do.
I'm not sure I'm convinced anymore, though. Raccoons may take a back seat to squirrels when it comes to possible aspirants to global domination. We have them hereabouts, or course, our local ones being red squirrels (Tamiasciurus hudsonicus). We have a male who scolds us from the top of the machine shed or in one of our black ash trees from behind the office. But he's alone, and his nefarious plans are thwarted, because (so far) we have him outnumbered and outgunned.
The squirrels, though, aren't resting. In what is almost certainly a trial run, one group of squirrels has already invaded a U.S. military installation - a nuclear missile base, no less.
Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota has been overrun with Richardson Ground Squirrels, known to personnel as "dakrats," which have been a recurring issue at the base for decades.
Writing about the dakrats in 2009, Vicki Johnson, an engineer at Minot AFB, said: "Newcomers to the base often are delighted by the cute little critters, affectionately known as 'Dakrats,' they find popping up in their yards as spring approaches. For those who have lived here a little longer, the delight has faded, and the critters are no longer welcome."
Cute these critters may be, but the personnel at Minot shouldn't overlook the very real possibility that all this is a preplanned operation by the squirrels. Squirrels, including ground squirrels like these, can reproduce at a logarithmic rate, and their plans of attack have very quickly become apparent to the anti-squirrel forces at Minot. But so far, the squirrels seem to be matching their human opponents, blow for blow, even to the possibility of biological warfare. This is clearly a trial run. The squirrels are testing our defenses.
Squirrels may seem like cute, harmless creatures, but they can wreak havoc on base housing and carry disease, posing a risk to service members and their families.
They also cause structural damage to the base, which just received an $850 million upgrade for its nuclear weapons capabilities.
Think on this for a moment. If squirrels really were bent on conquest, how best to go about it? Well, striking at America's nuclear triad would be necessary, of course. It's our last lind of defense, after all, against bushy-tailed rodents as well as the various unfriendly nuclear powers around the world. We have the advantage, though, in that the squirrels can't really affect our sub-launched capacity, although at Minot, they can strike not only at our missile capacity but also at our manned bombers:
Minot AFB is home to two branches of the U.S.'s Nuclear Triad. The term Nuclear Triad refers to America's air, land and sea nuclear launch capabilities.
It houses 26 B-52 bombers capable of carrying nuclear weapons and 150 Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
This begs the question: What are the squirrels in, say, China, Russia, and Iran up to? Are the squirrels only targeting American installations? If so, who might they be working with? As for what they hope to gain, that much is easy to predict: They aim to see us subservient at best, subjects of their nefarious plans, servants to our sciuridian overlords.
We can't stand for this. But the threat is real, and growing.
Read More: The Great Santa Monica Squirrel Caper - Pesky Rodents Taking Over City Park
It's not just at Minot Air Force Base. The attacks by the squirrels seem to be growing in number and intensity. Some examples:
Suicide squirrel causes blackout in Oregon
Psycho squirrels attacks residents in Welsh town
Methed-out attack squirrel teams up with human criminal
And, in an incident that may be the most frightening yet, in Japan, squirrels are deliberately building up their resistance to toxic fungi. Why? What do they have in mind?
This is nuts, I'm telling you. Now, there are also troubling signs that my mother may have been right, at least in part; the raccoons are chipping in by teaming up with human malefactors.
Read More: Strange: Kentucky Man in Trouble for Weaponizing a Raccoon
We underestimate these creatures at our peril.
Fortunately for Minot Air Force Base, there is a real expert in these matters they may wish to consult.
And to any squirrels who may be reading this, I have just two words for you:
