How much thought do you give to naming a pet? How much thought should you give to naming a pet?

For most of us, that's "not very much." I mean, there's not much point in naming a cat, for instance. They don't come when you call them, so why bother? A dog's a lot easier. When I picked up my first gun dog, an English Springer Spaniel, I had the theory that a dog's name should contain at least two vowels separated by a consonant, the better to be heard from a distance. I demonstrated this theory around my parent's Allamakee County, Iowa, home until everyone's ears were ringing, at which point the Old Man asked me politely but firmly to shut the hell up.

On this Valentine's Day, it seems some people are using critter names to cast an ex in a bad light. A couple of shelters around the country are facilitating this practice, and it's not clear what we should think about it.

Feel like dissing instead of kissing your former lover this Valentine’s Day? Think your ex is more like a rat than a prince? Do you believe your former paramour should never procreate?

Animal shelters and zoos around the country are encouraging little cathartic avenues for revenge this holiday — and raising money for a cause — with a slew of darkly funny fundraisers for those missed by Cupid’s arrow.

Options include naming a feral cat after your old flame before it’s neutered — or giving rodents or cockroaches your love bug’s name before feeding them to bigger animals. The Minnesota Zoo’s campaign to name a bug after either a friend or a foe has attracted donors from across the world.

Teri Scott of Poulsbo, Washington, said she was bombarded on social media with the anti-love campaigns, including naming a hissing cockroach after an ex.

That bit about the rodents and cockroaches — naming them after an ex right before they are gobbled down by a ravening carnivore — puts a slightly disturbing angle on the whole thing.

Turns out this head-scratcher of a practice originated right here in the Great Land. Well, in Anchorage, anyway.

Teri Scott of Poulsbo, Washington, said she was bombarded on social media with the anti-love campaigns, including naming a hissing cockroach after an ex.

She said she couldn’t bring herself to name a bug that’s so hard to get rid of after her former husband, fearing that it could be an omen she’d never shake him despite the court costs she paid.

Then she ran across a promotion for the “Love Hurts” fundraiser at the Bird Treatment and Learning Center in Anchorage, Alaska. She ponied up $100 to name a frozen dead rat after her ex, and it will now be fed to a resident raptor at the facility.

I can't be the only one who finds that just a trifle unsettling.

See Related: It's Valentine's Day - and Also a Big Day in American Firearms History

Valentine's Day Morning Minute: For the Love of MAGA, MAHA, and DOGE

Look, I have an ex. I haven't spoken to her in over 10 years; the only thing we ever really had in common was a daughter, who is now in her 40s and who no longer speaks to her biological mother either, for a host of reasons I won't go into. But I certainly don't wish her any harm, much less want to have her fed to a predator, even by proxy.

We all deal with emotional issues in our own ways, I suppose. If the time ever comes when I'm not around anymore, maybe my wife will name one of the local bears after me — or a wolf. That's a lot more palatable, not to mention cooler, than having a cockroach bearing my name — especially one that's about to be ingested by a reptile. 

Well. Happy Valentine's Day, folks.