No, I Do Not Want to Pour Maple Syrup Down My Back

AP featured image
A Seattle Mariners fan waves a broom in the stands during the ninth inning of the Mariners 9-4 win over the Baltimore Orioles in a baseball game, Sunday, July 3, 2016, in Seattle. The Mariners swept the four-game home series against the Orioles. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)

To hear our Democratic politicians and their “journalists” tell it, what America wants right now, what America needs right now, is to have some politician — they call this person a “national leader” — step up to the microphone and say:

My fellow Americans. And all the ships at sea. We are at a crossroads. Our moment of destiny has arrived. It was a dark and stormy night. Whether you are White, Black, Brown, Green, Purple, dyspeptic, male, female, any combination or exclusion of the above… whether you practice an organized religion or worship a late night comedian… no matter who or where you are, I feel your pain. We are all in this together. We must reach a higher plane. Together we can, we will, we must…

Awww, give me a break.

I am old enough to know that the theme song for this week’s events was written fifty years ago by Frank Zappa. As wordsmithing, as poetry, it is as powerful a thing as exists. Put it on in the background while you watch a video from any night this week. Remember: this song is fifty years old. And it’s describing what’s happening outside right now.

Still think we need another “unity speech”? We’ve been hearing Unity Speeches all our lives. They don’t do a thing. Nothing changes. The politicians get up there, regale us with their mellifluous tones, and the media tell us that it was inspiring and wonderful and we should all go home and forget about it. Until the next time this happens.


As an exercise in self-flagellation, I had Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon on in the background last night while I worked on something else. Over and over again, I kept hearing that our nation yearns for a President who will… say a bunch of pretty words.

I’m a Donald Trump supporter. Have been since the beginning. One of the reasons is that Trump is not a politician. He’s not the guy to give us a Unity Speech. And I suppose the Democrats will hate him for it. But one thing he might do that the politicians have never done is try to fix this. You know, actually do something, instead of talking about it. Instead of pouring soothing words on it and pretending that it’s gone away.

If you know anything about how police departments are funded, you know that every police department in the United States has its mouth firmly affixed to the federal teat. The federal government can’t legally tell them what to do, but it can swing a pretty big bat that changes minds.

What was Derek Chauvin doing on patrol in Minneapolis that day? This is a guy with eighteen prior complaints filed against him. The average police officer gets 1.3 complaints over a ten-year period. Chauvin had eighteen. I realize we can’t fire people every time someone complains about them. But I also know that by the tenth complaint, somebody could have found a job around that police department — managing the evidence room, calibrating the radar guns — that didn’t involve extensive public contact.


Instead of another ten minutes of PurtyTalk™, maybe we could have a federal program to comb the ranks of police departments around the country and get these walking time bombs off the street and into nice cushy desk jobs where they can’t kill anybody.


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