Barack Obama is surprised that Vladimir Putin isn’t playing nicely in Syria. He is amazed that Russia has intervened on behalf of the butchers and thugs that tenuously cling to power in Damascus. He thinks we should fight ISIS with longer words and more complex syllogisms. Vladimir Putin thinks Barack Obama needs to take off his skirt or leave the battlefield to men. I’m pretty much having to agree with Vladimir Putin. We should withdraw from any places where we aren’t courageous enough to fight in a manner that is conducive to winning. Our martial courage won’t be conducive to winning much beyond a heated card game of war for the next 480 or so days.

If you want to win a violent contact sport, you don’t suit up a team full of cry-babies. It’s pretty darn basic. Vladimir Putin understands the basic and the primal. I guess Barack Obama is just too smart a guy to worry about those sorts of things. You see, Vladimir Putin has just bellowed Barack Obama off the rugby pitch in Damascus and I have no doubts that Barack will accept being Pink-Carded and very meekly obey. As well he should if he still thinks the demise of ISIS would be a good thing. As President Lincoln famously told General McClellan. “If you won’t use your army may I borrow it?”

Now of course this is scurrilous treason. Barack Obama is a duly elected Commander-In-Chief. Vladimir Putin is a brutal thug would shoot your mother for a few extra bucks. Bashir Assad is a brutal thug in his own right who we told not to use chemical weapons soon before he started spraying the humans who opposed his regime the way a dutiful farmer sprays nematodes in the tomato garden.

At this point, Vladimir Putin offered Barack Obama leeway to harvest Bashir Assad’s head and take it home in a basket if that were his will. When President Obama turned down the offer, President Putin figured something out about his American counterpart. This was Putin’s sly and canny method of taking a manhood measure. The measurement was inconclusive only because Putin forgot to requisition the necessary micrometer. At this point Putin told Obama to get the heck of his lawn and go to his room and play with his Power Ranger action figures. The real rangers deployed to the region would be Russian.

And also, since Barack got sent to his room to go hide, Vladimir would dictate the terms by which the region’s bacon would be saved. According to Fox News, here’s how the big boys will be handling dirty business while Poor Little Barack goes to his time out room to pout.

As the Pentagon warily eyes a Russian military build-up in Syria, Western intelligence sources tell Fox News that the escalated Russian presence began just days after a secret Moscow meeting in late July between Iran’s Quds Force commander — their chief exporter of terror — and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Fox News has learned Quds head Qassem Soleimani and Putin discussed such a joint military plan for Syria at that meeting, an encounter first reported by Fox News in early August. “The Russians are no longer advising, but co-leading the war in Syria,” one intelligence official said.

Now the Iranian Quds Force and Bashir Assad are nasty people who do really mean things. If we were to call the Quds Force a chief exporter of terror convincingly enough I’m sure they’d go home because their feelings were hurt. I see the brilliance of John F. Kerry’s diplomatic initiative. Vladimir Putin lives in a macabre and ferocious street-level reality. He is totally convinced that John F. Kerry is just John Lennon complete with the bong hits but devoid of the musical talent. War is over if you want it. Putin doesn’t want it if the other option is a powerful, functional ISIS.

So what do if you are Barack Obama and your ego is hurt? There are Republicans you can smack around back home. You see both houses of Congress are rushing through continuing resolutions that need to be done by 11:59 PM tonight. Wouldn’t it be a condign going away present for [mc_name name=’Rep. John Boehner (R-OH)’ chamber=’house’ mcid=’B000589′ ] if President Obama were to take out his frustrations over being totally mocked by Putin with a spite-veto of Boehner’s funding bill on 1 October 2015. It would trigger just the government shut-down that Speaker Boehner resigned in order to avoid? That would certainly distract the media while he bravely ran away from ISIS in Syria.