Syrian Refugees to Do Jobs Americans Won’t Do

If She Could Just Find This Guy A Job At Starbucks...
If She Could Just Find This Guy A Job At Starbucks…

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One great thing about The American People is that we are wonderfully adaptive and can adjust to any circumstances. If you have a coop full of something you’d like turned into chicken salad with a side of ranch dressing; just hand it over to a few bright American engineers. You see; a bunch of poor, starving Islamic extremists are killing people off in the Middle East because their Gross Domestic Product is currently disgusting. And according to State Department Spokes-Donkey, Marie Harf; if we teach them to code in Java and start up a rip-roaring Starbucks chain then the delightful aromas of peace, love and patchouli oil would waft upon the dry winds blowing through the Kasbah.


Yet, even with 21 bummed out Egyptian Copts unavailable for further comment*, the approach set forth by Marie Harf was beset with intense criticism and difficulty. Chris Matthews seemed to find it dubious. After that horribly misguided Milgram Experiment where the subjects kept sending thrills up his leg, he could no longer feel the love. Harf explained the obvious brilliance of America’s Middle Eastern strategy to Old Hardball, but he just wasn’t having it.

“We’re killing a lot of them, and we’re going to keep killing more of them,” she said during a televised segment on “Hardball” with Chris Matthews. “So are the Egyptians, so are the Jordanians. They’re in this fight with us. But we cannot win this war by killing them. We cannot kill our way out of this war. We need in the medium to longer term to go after the root causes that leads people to join these groups, whether it’s a lack of opportunity for jobs, whether …”

Mr. Matthews then cut her off and said: “We’re not going to be able to stop that in our lifetime or 50 lifetimes. There’s always going to be poor people. There’s always going to be poor Muslims, and as long as there are poor Muslims, the trumpet’s blowing and they’ll join. We can’t stop that, can we?”


Plus, there’s the fact the ISIS truly feels bored with just Syria and Iraq. They want to travel, and experience growth opportunities.

Italy has been on ISIS’s radar for quite some time. In October, the group dedicated the cover of its Dabiq magazine to a story called “Reflections on the Final Crusade” about how they will conquer Rome, complete with a photo of a black jihadist flag flying over St. Peter’s Square. “We will conquer your Rome, break your crosses, and enslave your women, by the permission of Allah, the Exalted. If we do not reach that time, then our children and grandchildren will reach it, and they will sell your sons as slaves at the slave market,”

We can’t let that happen! We’d better expedite the process of finding all these ISIS militants better paying and more stable employment. There’s only one thing left to do to salvage poor Marie Harf’s misguided scheme to set their poor impoverished eyes upon the prize. We can use The Obama Administration’s Eyes Wide Shut, Legs Spread Wide Immigration Policy to save them. We have to bring them all here.

Abu Bakr al Baghdadi did express the desire to see us in New York. Hell, let’s just buy the poor ole summavitch a ticket! According to our State Department, it’s the nice thing to do. We all know how much Abu Bakr al Baghdadi appreciates Christian humanitarian outreach.


“It’s not a matter of should we do it, it’s really a matter of how we do it,” Larry Bartlett, the State Department’s director of Refugee Admission for the Bureau of Population, Refugees and Migration, told ABC News. “One of the fundamental principles of our country is that we care about others. We will help others.”

Never you mind that ISIS is perfectly capable of killing Iraqi homosexuals out of the war anytime an adoring crowd gathers to watch the jihadi throw the gay people off the roof. Pay no heed to the tendency for ISIS militants to very successfully put large numbers of Iraqi opponents in cages, douse them with kerosene and flick matches at them for chuckles and grins. Killing our way out of a war is like putting astronauts on the moon. We used to be able to do that sort of thing** but now it’s one of those jobs that Americans just won’t do.

And when we have jobs that Americans just won’t do, we bring in immigrants to do them at a lower wage. I’m sure ISIS would be overjoyed at the opportunity to come over here and kill us out of a war. It would solve their unemployment problem and make them feel empowerment. That could make the world a more peaceful place according Marie Harf.


*-It’s been widely rumored that decapitation has a chilling effect on necessary dialogue.

** Generals MacArthur, Patton, Grant and Sherman eg…


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