Jonathan Gruber To America: You're Welcome!

To Jonathan Gruber You Are Cute But Still His B****
To Jonathan Gruber You Are Cute But Still His B****

Jonathan Gruber is a disciplined professional. He is vital to the method and paradigm by which the American People are herdedgoverned. He is a specialist with a valuable skill that makes our Post-modern American Empire function on all six of its pistons. He is a Board Certified, Government Licensed, Eschatological Architecture Technician (EAT).* And as long as the illusion is properly used, a good, working plurality of the suckerspeople are repulsive coprophages.


Governments rely on good, proficient, EATs like Jonathan Gruber to make certain that we have to pass their brilliant ideas to find out what’s in there. They thrive on opacity. They understand that you are stupid. They appreciate your continued patronage of their corrupt and amoral masters. They are here to save you from ever having to look beyond your delusions of adequacy. Jonathan Gruber is just that wonderful a prince of a man. You are all welcome.** If you like your republic, you can keep it.

It’s just that Jonathan Gruber got a bit lax when he felt confident that the ones he considers cretinous Moorlocks were out of earshot. He explains his great contributions to American Democracy below.

“(L)ack of transparency is a huge political advantage and basically, you know, call it the stupidity of the American voter or whatever, but basically, that was really, really critical to getting this thing (Obamacare) to pass.”

Yep. It sure would stink if people ever thought too hard and took a look at the pathetic, little man behind the curtain. They might get selfish and not hand over their wallet if the stupid, Lilliputian pea-brains ever figured out they were actually being mugged. Here’s how we make sure that taxpayers are more suitably generous.

This bill was written in a tortured way to make sure CBO did not score the mandate as taxes. If CBO [Congressional Budget Office] scored the mandate as taxes, the bill dies. Okay, so it’s written to do that. In terms of risk rated subsidies, if you had a law which said that healthy people are going to pay in– you made explicit healthy people pay in and sick people get money, it would not have passed..


And that’s how EATs like the humble and well-meaning Jonathan Gruber earn their daily bread. They calmly go about the job of telling us the necessary lies we need to hear so that our noble and gracious Congressional Representatives can heap benefice after benefice on our poor benighted heads. And again, he loves you and respects almost as much as he does his cute, little Pomeranian. You’re welcome, America!

*-That’s a Bull**** Artist if you insist that job titles be written in recognized Standard American English.

**-One day you will be nice enough to tell Mr. Gruber “Thank You!”


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