Starbucks 'Unicorn' Drinks Violate the 8th Amendment

Shown is a Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino drink in Philadelphia, Thursday, April 20, 2017. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

No, I’m not joking — forget the fact that I know the 8th amendment, which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment, only applies to the federal government, but that’s beside the point — A horse-y drink of any color is a pain in the a–hem…

It all started last month when Starbucks introduced the “unicorn frappuccino.” Doesn’t that sound amazing? Such a one-off. So first-run and edgy. Except it was loaded with sugar, absent caffeine and just a poseur drink for hipsters nationwide who think a colorful drink is fun…like they’re eight or something.

Newsflash: 7-Eleven will let you mix cherry and blue raspberry flavors in your Slurpee cups.

But I digress.

This stupid drink was crafted for several weeks and was the marketing success Starbuck’s hoped it would be. One can only assume because the company is headquartered in the Mecca of hipster Millennial asshattery, Seattle, that it knew what it was doing. We can also presume that as this drink has no caffeine, it wasn’t just for lame younger Millennials whose Gen-Xer helicopter parents wouldn’t let them have caffeine until they left for college, it’s also for the iGeneration who are just entering puberty.

Anyway, the unicorn frappuccino was a smash hit for the short time it was available in April, but a pain in the rear for baristas across the country.

And now, those baristas are terrified. Why? Because some industrious nitwit posted about the existence of another ‘unicorn’ drink: The Unicorn Lemonade.

One alleged Starbucks barista posted on Reddit that the Unicorn Lemonade could be made multiple ways with the unicorn frappuccino color powders. “It’s just a layered raspberry lemonade. On the left, the first half is with the blue powder and the top with the pink. The one of the right is just a lemonade with the blue powder on the bottom and then passion tea on top. If you put extra ice in the cup you’re able to layer it…. It’s actually really yummy.”

Anything loaded with copious amounts of sugar usually is. But this barista comes off like the kid in class who tells the teacher the test wasn’t that hard.

“Keep it far away from Instagram. And Facebook. Twitter,” one Redditor commented on the post. Another lamented: “If this gets out, we’re f*cked…again.” The thread continues with dozens of similar messages: “No no no, stop, don’t give Instagram ideas”; “You’ve created a monster”; “DELETE THIS NOW”; and so on and so forth.

The reason behind the enraged responses is that apparently, the Unicorn beverages are a downright nightmare to make (especially by the dozens). Not only are they difficult and sticky but the colorful powder used to create it stains baristas’ hands with so-called “unicorn blood.” (Not to mention it’s also not very good for you — it’s loadedwith sugar.) Baristas have been begging customers to not order the drink, with one employee even taking to Twitter to voice his rant. “For the love of God and everything that is good, don’t get the Unicorn Frappuccino,” he pleaded.

Working in an industry that has a plethora of particular customers in it already — venti sugar-free vanilla, soy latte without foam anyone? (oh, wait, that’s mine) — adding options is just a nightmare.

I’m not even a Starbucks hater — I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, you can’t faze me with your Starbucks hate — and I find this addition of the unicorn drink needlessly cruel to Starbucks baristas everywhere. No one, no matter what their missteps in life, should be forced to serve up this silly drink in any form.