Mask-Mandating OH Gov Mike DeWine Displays Keen Grasp of Science: Virus Is 'Sneaky & Cunning' With 'Mind of Its Own,' Just 'Won't Give Up'

AP featured image
President Donald Trump, listens, as Ohio gubernatorial candidate Mike DeWine speaks at a campaign rally, Monday, Nov. 5, 2018, in Cleveland. (AP Photo/Tony Dejak)


If you want to understand the level of scientific understanding your typical zealot hysterically insisting that we all need to be wearing masks has, look no further than Ohio Governor Mike DeWine.

Last month – thanks in no small part to DeWine’s July 22 mask mandate  – Ohio’s Republican (sigh) governor made national news because of the loud chorus of booing that erupted when President Trump introduced him at an Ohio rally.

A few days later, the patriotic crowd’s reaction to DeWine was retroactively rendered insufficiently hostile when an asthmatic Ohio woman was tasered and dragged away in handcuffs for not needlessly harming her health by obeying DeWine’s order not to appear in public with her face uncovered by a Fauci-burka.

Well, yesterday, DeWine gave the citizens of Ohio even more reason to reflect on their colossal error. The man who many Ohioans no doubt already refer to as our greatest mistake gave us all a painful glimpse into the galaxy brain behind Ohio’s mask mandate via a warning issued to his beleaguered constituents over Twitter.

According to DeWine, things are likely to “get worse before they get better” because, unlike most microscopic entities, the COVID-19 virus… brace yourself… “has a mind of its own.”

Of course, this wouldn’t be a problem if the virus’s mind was rooted in a love of virtue.

But, sadly for Ohio and the rest of the world as well, it turns out that SARS-CoV-2’s mind is both debased, making it “sneaky and cunning,” and tenacious to boot. The devious little bugger just “won’t give up.” 

It’s difficult to imagine a stupider remark. There’s no sense in which SARS-CoV-2 exhibits anything analogous to intelligence, let alone tenacity or guile. Like any virus, it’s nothing more than a sequence of genetic material inside a shell that opens up when it gets inside a cell. Viruses are so devoid of complexity they aren’t even classified as living things.

Nor is SARS-CoV-2 especially dangerous. Even if you buy statistics so scandalously inflated that any society not entirely overwhelmed by corruption and incompetence would have long ago seen those responsible fired and tossed in jail, the virus still turns out to be harmless to the young and healthy.

Dozens of research studies conducted over the last decade have shown that wearing masks does nothing to stop viruses from spreading. At least a dozen more have raised doubts that doing so is even safe. Among the latter, no less than three have shown that those masks DeWine is forcing the citizens of Ohio to wear become breeding grounds for the very pathogens the dimwitted tyrant insists he’s saving them from.

And even putting all that aside, it ought to be pretty obvious that, unless you’re wearing something fitted to your face, your breath is just pouring in and out of the sides anyway.

Apparently, however, this is all too much for Mike DeWine’s infantile anthropomorphizing mind to grasp.

And it’s probably too much to expect him to understand the recently released CDC figures showing that people who religiously wear Fauci-burkas appear to be 20 times more likely to catch COVID-19 than those who heretically abstain.

Who would’ve thought that putting a piece of cloth that soaks up aerosol laden-virus on and off your face all day with your hands might actually increase your chances of contracting one? I mean apart from anyone who bothered doing a half hour’s research before inflicting unprecedented constraints of dubious merit on 12 million people that were bound to have all sorts of unintended consequences.

Boy, time sure does fly. Remember way back in April when Fauci was telling us wearing a mask wouldn’t accomplish anything and the important thing was to not touch your face? If you believe the official COVID death tally, that’s when it was causing the most fatalities. So, if what Fauci’s telling us today is true, his advice back then must have caused a whole lot of people to needlessly die.

Anthony Fauci’s reign of error has been such a disaster that, no matter how you slice it, he’s managed to make his culpability for the deaths of thousands of Americans a law of logic. So we probably shouldn’t be too surprised to find someone dumb enough to keep blindly following Fauci like Mike DeWine spouting a theory of virus transmission that sounds like he got it from an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

But if Ohio’s governor is ready to believe that a virus can be cunning and tenacious, then maybe he can be convinced that his mask mandate was a bad idea by some scary news for impressionable minds reported last month.

Though it may turn out that Governor DeWine’s strange views on COVID-19 are themselves a result of the virus. You see, the New York Times has reported on another entry in the virus’s impressive list of correlations bogusly peddled as effects without a shred of evidence symptoms: COVID Brain Fog!

Judging from the way the unfortunate victim in the Times’ photo has his finger in his ear, COVID Bran Fog would seem to be a fog of COVID that enters through the ear and covers one’s brain. The stricken but still thankfully conscientious fellow is no doubt plugging his ear to prevent any COVID Brain Fog from escaping to infect the rest of us.

But I shouldn’t make jokes. Requiring the citizens of Ohio to wear earplugs to avoid spreading COVID Brain Fog wouldn’t be any more ridiculous than DeWine’s mask mandate or his statements anthropomorphizing the virus. In saner times, it’s hard to imagine anyone spewing such nonsense rising above the rank of village idiot. In ours, he’s running the whole darn state.

There’s plenty of cause for alarm these days. But the danger we face is a tipping point of human stupidity, not some virus, intelligent or otherwise.


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