The Russians Beat Hollywood to Space

What once seemed impossible is now a part of life on planet Earth – space tourism.

Between Bezos’ giant sky penis and Musk’s much cooler DragonX, the dream of space travel for the average billionaire can now be a reality.

America is a nation of “firsts” and naturally our last, true movie star had his heart set on being the first actor in space.

As soon as the government approved space tourism technology, Tom Cruise representatives announced that he had already begun training in order to not only be the first actor in space, but the first to film a movie in actual space. It was a gutsy move, but Cruise is well known for pushing his body to its limits for his craft. He often performs his own dangerous stunts. He’s done motorcycle tricks and hung onto the side of moving aircraft and even filmed scenes while skydiving.

He also happens to be the public face of one of the shadiest and wealthiest cults in the world. So it was no surprise to hear him announce that he had plans to be the first actor in space. After all, his ego is almost as big as his reputation and it is only fitting for the Prince of Scientology to head to space, where their lord Xenu lives somewhere, waiting to restore the galactic empire or something like that or whatever.

Sadly, Cruise has been robbed of that honor and it seems ironically fitting that his ambition has been foiled by the same people who foiled America’s first attempt to be the first nation to explore space…

*cue sinister music*

…the Russians.

Actress Yulia Peresild and a film director arrived at the International Space Station on Tuesday.

Actress Yulia Peresild, 37, and film director Klim Shipenko, 38, took off from the Russia-leased Baikonur Cosmodrome in ex-Soviet Kazakhstan as scheduled.

They docked at the ISS, behind schedule at 1222 GMT, after veteran cosmonaut and captain of their spacecraft, Anton Shkaplerov, switched to manual control.

The movie’s plot is being kept a secret for now, but some elements have been leaked. Pereslid will play a surgeon who is sent to space to save a cosmonaut on the ISS. She is scheduled to return to Earth (how weird is it to say those words about an actress?) on October 17th and reports say they will actually film the reentry as part of the movie.

“It was difficult psychologically, physically and emotionally… but I think when we reach our goal all the challenges won’t seem so bad,” Peresild—who was selected out of 3,000 applicants for the role—said at a pre-flight press conference.

Shipenko and Peresild are expected to return to Earth on October 17 in a capsule with Novitsky, who has been on the ISS for the past six months.

Director Klim Shipenko will handle multiple jobs for obvious reasons. Not only will he direct but he will also perform as the cinematographer, make-up crew and wardrobe.

Imagine how your life changes when you get to see the Earth from space. Tom Cruise – as crazy as he is – is one of my favorite actors. He is the last of true Hollywood – all carefully crafted image. I like that. I miss the days when we didn’t know every stupid thought our favorite celebrities have. But I also can’t imagine how inflated of an ego a guy like Cruise would return to Earth with. Pereslid has at least taken a bit of wind out of his sails for now.

In any case, a new era of exploration and travel and imagination is opening up to humanity. It can only get wilder from here.