1.It’s a miracle half of the country doesn’t perish in a grid of turkey fryer fires that merge together to create one giant death trap. America gonna ‘Murica, y’all!

2.Whelp…who’s up for McDonald’s?

3.Not all food pics are created equal. Before you share that picture, ask yourself…”What would Martha Stewart do?”.

4.Just because you can make it doesn’t mean you should.

5.If your turkey isn’t properly thawed, turning up the temperature in the oven is actually the opposite of a solution.

6.Test your dish designs. If they come out looking like genitalia…bring the paper plates instead.

7.Your pet doesn’t give a shoot about your Thanksgiving plans.

8.Leave the decorating to the experts.

9.Be sure to preserve all the most awkward awkwardness so you can laugh at said awkwardness at all your future awkward family dinners

10.The Thanksgiving dessert rule is a good rule for life in general – KISS…Keep It Simple Stupid.