The Liberal Doomsday Prepper's Survival Guide and Kit in the Age of Trump

Today’s Trump press conference was nothing short of a media circus, with Donald Trump attacking the media and the media attacking Donald Trump. After the shenanigans were over, a lot of liberals really started panicking over what Trump’s hostility toward the press meant. Comedian Patton Oswalt tweeted (I’m not embedding the tweet because it has a bad word so don’t click on that link, kids) that it was time to “hoard food.”

It seemed like an odd reaction, but the idea that it was time for liberals to get their bug-out bags together and prepare for the End Times is nonetheless thought-provoking. Ben Domenech of The Transom had an idea.

Well, dear readers, I have decided to take up this task and assist our left-leaning neighbors in their preparations.

First, if we’re going off the grid so Donald Trump’s Department of Injustice goons with their black helicopters and billy clubs, we’re going to need supplies. Now, I haven’t been a liberal since my early college days (well before the social justice movement really kicked in to full swing), but I’ve done a bit of research (I looked up organic, non-GMO food online and watched a few episodes of Girls, which I regret more than anything).

What You Need:

  1. Gluten-Free Emergency Food
  2. This Special Tent For Special Snowflakes
  3. A Really Soft Blanket
  4. White Wine

Why You Need Them:

  1. It’s organic, too.
  2. In case you need a safe space.
  3. In case you remember that Donald Trump is the president of the United States.
  4. It’s the preferred wine for outdoor living.

Surviving In This Post-Trump/Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

Now, look. This isn’t going to be easy. You’re looking at an America whose national policy is being determined by a man voted into office by people with trucks and jeans with an appropriate amount of crotch room. According to rumor, there were even cowboy hats involved at some polling stations. This means you’ll need an escape route. Most of the good places to go off the grid are in the same areas these people live around.

First, stock up. Your tent and emergency food are essential. God knows how long you’re going to have to be out there with the wilderness that has yet to be fully regulated by the State. It’s practically anarchic out there (or worse, Republican!). Going off the grid takes some money to do, so if you aren’t a non-football/MMA celebrity, you’re going to have to ask mom and dad for some cash.

Do this delicately, because your old man might just remember the days when people went out and did things for a living and tell you to get a damn job because you need to learn the value of a dollar and part-time jobs aren’t supposed to be living wages but you gotta start somewhere.

Once you’ve got your supplies, it’s time to pack up the Prius and hit the road. The key is to look for any exit that has trees and the name of a town the Associated Press would have to put the postal code behind in a dateline.

Meeting (and Dismissing!) People Along the Way

In order to really go off the grid, you’re going to have to travel a ways. That means stopping at gas stations, because your mom and dad couldn’t yet afford to get you a Hybrid (why haven’t we subsidized green vehicles yet?), which in turn means meeting people. Keep a careful eye on their vehicles. If they have a truck, avoid at all costs. If their car looks like something a civilized, cultured adult would drive, check for any political bumper stickers. If you see the TRUMP/PENCE logo, wait in your car until they’re gone. They can smell a liberal out in the open air and will want to talk to you about saving the country and deporting those damn illegals.

If you see more than one bumper sticker for Hillary, this is a Safe Zone. Your people are gathered here, and probably on the same mission as you. Smile and walk confidently. There is very little chance a conservative will walk through the door because they fear the logic you will undoubtedly bathe them in.

Get the gas for your vehicle, because the government is slacking on his whole “fossil fuel” situation, and thank Mother Earth that you have a means of getting away.  Once you have paid the poor soul who is working below a living wage to sell you your fuel and granola, head back out to the car and keep going.

Settling Down and Letting It All Out

You have a tent and you have a blanket. Even better, you have wine! This first night is the toughest.

Once you’ve found a spot uninhabited by someone who owns a gun, a Make America Great Again hat, or a small business, set up your tent. Instructions are provided, and soon you’ve got your safe space away from the America that has betrayed you. Enter the tent with your blanket and wine, and take a deep breath.

This is when you just let it happen. Let the tears flow. It sucks. We had a chance for a woman to be president. We had a chance to keep you on your parents’ health insurance until you’re at least 35. We had a chance to destroy the Republican Party, with their racism, bigotry, and racism for good. But those Russians, and fake news, and probably the media all conspired to screw everything up.

But, this is their America now. You’re away from all that. Just cry, hold your blanket, and drink your wine. These next four to eight years will be over before you know it.

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