In my remake of Victor Hugo’s classic The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I’ve taken some poetic license.

The plot begins with an illegal immigrant, non-binary with a hump, named Hugo. He arrives on Martha’s Vineyard in a container. “They/Them” has stowed away on a shipment of caviar and wine destined for Barack and Michelle’s Estate. When the shipment is checked by the Secret Service, agents tell Hugo: “Hey, man, you can’t stay here.”

Hugo, being non-binary with pronouns of  “They/Them,” is instantly offended and demands an apology. They get it, but they is (are?) still sent packing. One agent tells them to try St. Martha’s. They vow to sue the agents for misgendering, and set out for St. Martha’s.

They pass through town and they see multiple lawn signs and window signs calling the city a “sanctuary” and that “everyone” is welcome. Encouraged, Hugo sees St. Martha’s in the fading sun. Hugo gets to the doors of the cathedral and sees the same “Everyone is welcome” sign” they passed in town. They pound on the double doors. They see a person in one of the windows and demand to be seen.

“Open up! I am a non-binary immigrant with a hump and I demand respect and sanctuary, you ableist jerk!”

The window occupant knows that he’s been trumped. He opens the doors. Hugo pushes past the priest and steps inside. The priest is stunned but realizing that the non-binary illegal immigrant has the upper hand says:

“Look, we didn’t know you were coming. We are not prepared. You cannot stay here. Sanctuary is just a… word”

“Oh yeah?!” screams Hugo, “I know my rights, and I know attorneys too!”

Before the priest can respond, Hugo sees a sign that says: “To the bell tower.” Hugo rushes past the priest and runs to the bell tower door.

Hugo gets to the top of the tower and starts ringing the bell of virtue-signaling, yelling over and over: “SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!”

Eventually, the priest relents and tells Hugo:

“I’ve called some people and once we have gathered enough media, posted to social media, and fed you pop-tarts and Froot Loops we have to send you…uh, I mean welcome you to another church called St. Cape Cod of The National Guard.”

Hugo stops ringing the bell and comes down from the tower.

“Do they have attorneys?” asks Hugo.

“Probably,” says the priest. Followed by, “We can only house you for… about 44 hours… ok?”

“Fine,” says Hugo, “but if you misgender me, I will sue you and St. Martha’s into oblivion.”

The priest bows his head in resignation.