Rich People Are Giving a 'Professional Baby-Namer' $10,000 to Name Their Babies

Dominic Lipinski/Pool via AP

P.T. Barnum reportedly said: “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Ok, he might not have actually said it but that’s beside the point. A 16th-century poet named Thomas Tesser was the guy who said: “A fool and his money are soon parted.” I looked it up on the “internets.” The internet is free. If you wanted to look up names to name your baby, that also would be free.


Nonetheless, rich people apparently are willing to pay fool’s money — a lot of money — to an expert baby-namer. Seriously — that is a thing. In the world of new money, where they squeal at the poors: “Do you know who I am?” and where they will pay $2,000 for a table wine, they are paying $10,000 to a baby-namer to name their child. It might be hard to imagine paying someone $10,000 to pick your child’s name but, apparently the stupid can be rich, too. Even if a future parent hasn’t the ability to just pick a name, at worst they just need one working finger, access to the internet, and a working prefrontal cortex to find ten thousand names. But they don’t. They hire someone else to do that for them. I do wonder if they hire someone who hires someone who then hires the baby-namer?

According to the New York Post, a woman (I’m not a biologist but I’m assuming she’s a woman) named Taylor Humphrey made $150,000 in 2020 naming children for rich people.

Humphrey, who works in New York (of course she does) owns the baby naming business called “What’s in a Baby Name.” She says of her “service”:

“A holistic and intuitive Baby Name Consultant and Doula offering bespoke naming services globally, and perinatal support in California and New York.”


P.T. Barnum would be a proud papa, Taylor.

I don’t know if she hired someone else to name her business but apparently, it got her into the tony set of the superrich. She’s been separating rich people from their money for seven years now.  Imagine if rich people plunked down $10,000 for a kid’s name and Humphrey came up with “Karen” or “John.”

Humphrey describes herself as a “passionate writer and storyteller.” She self-identifies as being “adept at branding, marketing and social media.”

Finding a million names isn’t difficult even for a lizard-brained Kardashian. I don’t know if Kim dropped $10,000 to name her kid North West, but I’ll give her that it’s a hard name to forget. Was it like naming a boy “Sue”? Not really. Johnny Cash’s song saw Sue grow up hard as nails. The parents of a boy named Sue, in today’s environment, would be hailed as transgender heroes.

I don’t know if  “What’s in a Baby Name” has a strong presence in California but I plan to liberate rich liberals of their money and name their kids. I’ll charge $9,999.99 to undercut Humphrey. And I’ll name every kid Barack or Michelle. If anyone objects I’ll just call them racists and charge them double.  Look, here’s the deal, man; she can liberate rich people from stupid money — so can I.  Gwyneth Paltrow named her children Apple and Moses. I don’t know if she paid a professional baby-namer, but I think she should ask for her money back if she did. Two of the worst people in America are Harry and Meghan. They named their kid Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor. Woof.


In any event, if I can’t make baby-naming work, I’m thinking of charging people $50 to “Name a Star”. What do you think? I understand there’s a sucker born every minute, and now a lot of them are born to the rich.


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