The Newsom Chronicles, Episode 8: Everybody Hates Gavin

Democratic National Convention via AP

After a brief hiatus, The Newsom Chronicles has returned… but cancellation looks even more imminent. Californians are feeling unified around their disdain and hatred for Governor Hair Gel.

Episode 8 begins with 1.2 million signatures for Recall Gavin Newsom, and his Hairfulness is particularly feeling the love.

The sky is bluer than usual with all the curses being flung towards Newsom’s Fair Oaks mansion.

I can just hear Elton’s voice crooning… Can’t you FEEL the LOVE tonight?

Newsom is feeling it too. So much so that he has decided to roll back the Stay-at-Home Orders he put in place in December. It comes as a complete surprise to most, seeing that there’s not been a significant change in the COVID numbers or ICU stats.

But, Science!

However, there are many that are hating on his Hairfulness because he is opening up. He’s allowing those damn vectors of human transmission to roam freely throughout the State?! He wants to kill us all!

But, can’t YOU feeeel the LOVE tonight...

But before Newsom threw open the doors to the State again, he wanted to let us know that we were just too stupid to understand his dazzling intellect and wisdom:

“California Gov. Gavin Newsom has from the start said his coronavirus policy decisions would be driven by data shared with the public to provide maximum transparency.

“But with the state starting to emerge from its worst surge, his administration won’t disclose key information that will help determine when his latest stay-at-home order is lifted.

“State health officials said they rely on a very complex set of measurements that would confuse and potentially mislead the public if they were made public.”

But don’t mind that—outdoor dining has returned… in the middle of the Winter rains! Whoo hoo!

Can’t you FEEL the LOVE tonight?

The California Restaurant Association was surprised as anyone, as though everyone is just waiting with bated breath for His Hairfulness’s next diktat. On Sunday, they sent a somewhat bemused letter alerting their members.

Credit: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EsnrxZmUwAAsvG8.jpg

“Dear CRA Member,

“Late this evening, senior officials in the Newsom administration informed us that the Governor will announce tomorrow that the stay-at-home order will be lifted in all regions of the state.

“The regions of the state currently under the stay-at-home order are: Bay Area; Southern California; and San Joaquin Valley. Two other regions – Northern California and Sacramento region – are currently not under the stay-at-home order.

“Again, a formal announcement is expected tomorrow and we will send you further information as soon as it’s available. For now, we thought you’d like to know the good news.

“Thank you,

The CRA”

<Cue the rapturous music at the reading of the letter>

Isn’t it glorious news?

Meh… not for the workers.

Elton gets louder in my ears… Can’t you FEEL thaaaa LooooOVE tonight?

And speaking of vaccinations, California is dead last in distribution. Alabama, who have some of the slowest talking people on the planet, leapfrogged us in their vaccine response.

No kidding.

“Good news: California has gotten better at administering its available COVID-19 vaccines, going from a 27.5% usage rate last week to a 37.3% usage rate this week.

“Bad news: Other states have also picked up the pace, and California now ranks 50th out of 50 states in percentage of shots used.

“Thursday’s update to Bloomberg’s vaccine tracker shows that the national rate increased from 38.8% last week to 48.6% this week. Last week’s 50th-ranked state was Alabama, which saw its usage rate jump from 21.2% to 41.1% week-over-week.”

Just as with the COVID Stay-at-Home Orders, the vaccinations seem to be going according to… who knows what? In the meantime, grandma, those with comorbidities, and your restaurant workers just have to ride it out.

But don’t worry, our Governor is making the tough decisions.

CA-AN’T YOU feeeel THE Loooove tonight

You know what to do if you haven’t already. Print it. Sign it. Share it with a friend. Deliver it to an organizer.

Find out how: RecallGavin2020.com.