New Defense Secretary Commits to Transforming Armed Forces Into ‘Woke’ Military

*Note: The following is satire and not meant to be taken literally.

Less than a few weeks into his presidency, the Biden administration is already putting some exciting changes in place. Members of his cabinet are hard at work putting policies into place that will help the nation prosper.


Biden’s newly-anointed Secretary of Defense, Lloyd Austin, is already set on bringing positive changes to the military, which announced on Wednesday that it would be pausing regular activity within the next 60 days to tackle the issue of white nationalism and extremism. In order to make the progressive wing happy they are allowing members of the Marxist crowd to define what constitutes being a “white nationalist” or “extremist,” which means that our fighting forces are about to go through some rather dramatic changes.

To put it simply the United States military will be the most woke armed force in the entire world.

Pentagon spokesman John Kirby said that the defense secretary gave the order after it was revealed that former members of the military participated in the assault on the U.S. Capitol building. “He and Uncle Joe realized that this riot gave us the perfect opportunity to purge people with problematic political views,” he said, acknowledging that their definition of “white nationalist” is essentially anyone with non-progressive views.

Military leadership also confirmed that they are in talks with Twitter’s censorship brigade to gain insight on how they can execute a purge of servicemembers similar to what the social media company did with conservative accounts shortly after the riots. But removing conservative soldiers is only the first step.


Another spokesman said that the nature of military operations will experience a drastic revamp, indicating that drone strikes might be handled differently. “Instead of dropping bombs on terrorists in the Middle East, we will drop copies of Robin DeAngelo’s ‘White Fragility,’” he explained. “These books will help these misguided souls see that America now understands the error of its ways and how whiteness has caused all of their woes.”

Basic training will also see some significant changes. New recruits will still learn how to kill America’s enemies; they will also be trained to promote social justice worldwide. These servicemembers won’t just fight to defend the country and its allies, they will also learn how to eradicate homophobia, racism, Islamophobia, and every other type of bigotry.

In between combat training exercises, recruits will have daily three-hour-long seminars on teamwork, intersectionality, and Critical Race Theory. Even more, the servicemembers will not only learn how to kill the enemy, they will also learn how to avoid engaging in toxic masculinity. “Just because our soldiers could be involved in deadly combat where they have to slaughter brown people doesn’t mean they can’t be more in touch with their emotions while doing so,” said a source familiar with the new changes.


In a seeming repudiation of President Harry Truman, military leadership is looking at implementing a form of “limited segregation” to give minority soldiers safe spaces in which they can escape their melanin-challenged compatriots for a few hours. “Minorities having to be around white people all the time is a glaring example of white supremacy that isn’t talked about enough,” according to a memo sent to other military leaders.

Under the Biden administration, America’s military is poised to make some amazing strides towards inclusion and diversity. It is not enough to have a military free of racists; the nation needs a fully anti-racist military. When the transformation is complete, the United States will have a mighty armed forces apparatus that the rest of the world will laugh at admire. We can score another victory for the Biden administration.


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