Dept. of Energy: Happy Halloween, Global Warming Contributors! #Energyween

Jack-o-lantern shutterstock
Via Shutterstock

Of course, they’re doing this in their own special way. Two ways, to be exact.

First of all, they would like to tell you that, if you like jack-o-lanterns, you’re causing global warming. From the Washington Times:


Most of the 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins produced in the U.S. end up in the trash, says the Energy Department’s website, becoming part of the “more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year.”

Municipal solid waste decomposes into methane, “a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide,” Energy says.

So, congratulations, if you like engaging in the classic Halloween tradition of carving a jack-o-lantern, you’re killing the planet, according to our government. If you’re the kind that like to carve two or three or even more, that’s just unspeakably evil. And if you’re the kind who just buys a bunch of pumpkins to display in your front yard because hey, it’s Fall, you’re verging on being worse than Hitler or the average cattle rancher or something.

But, if you’re the type that still wants to have some fun on Halloween despite bringing about an end to civilization and the environment as we know it, then the Department of Energy has some suggestions for their iniative “Energyween“. How about dressing your kids up as Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz? Failing that, what do you think of a solar panels costume? That’s right up there with dressing as superheroes, vampires, and ghosts…I think. From another recent Washington Times article:


The department offers up instructions on its website on how kids can create their own costumes. All they need is a suit and tie, a white wig, and a Quadrennial Energy Review if they feel like going as Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz for Halloween.

Kids can also be a solar panel, a wind turbine, a particle accelerator, or an “energy vampire,” the Daily Caller News Foundation reported.

“You are a creature of the night. You lurk in the shadows, draining the power of the unwary,” reads the DOE description of an energy vampire. “No energy bill is safe! Far scarier than the stuff of Dracula or Twilight, energy vampires are home appliances and electronic devices that suck electricity even when they aren’t in use. This Halloween, unplug all the unused phone chargers in your house and attach them to yourself for a costume that will fill your friends with terror while saving you money.”

You can’t make this stuff up (and who thinks the Twilight vampires are all that scary, anyways?). The best part in all of this is that, despite railing against the dangers of buying pumpkins, they hypocritically have jack-o-lantern suggestions in their Energyween guide. There, you can watch a video tutorial on how to carve your pumpkins into the shape of CFL lamps, electric cars, windmills, and solar panels. If you’re really that interested, they even provide pumpkin stencils for you to use. By their own standards, they are encouraging environmental destruction!


These are your tax dollars at work, folks. If the Department of Energy really has nothing better to do with its time than warn people about pumpkins and propagandize Halloween, then perhaps it’s time move its abolition higher up on our priorities list.



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