By I.P. Freyley — (Special to the New York Review)

Friday, June 23 2017.

Within one month, Democrats and Republicans may be getting along better. Why’s that you ask? In a town where nothing gets done on time, and long before we get a new healthcare bill, member of both houses will be lounging and relaxing in their huge, luxurious whirlpool unisex Jacuzzi.

A source within the well known Leaumont Construction Company, (a prestigious Washington DC cement and plumbing corporation), revealed to me the plans for a lavish, very large whirlpool bath that is being built in the basement of the Capitol itself. From what I am told, and after seeing the drawings (bottom of page), it seems that this is no ordinary run-in-the-mill Jacuzzi.

The plans show that it’s thirty feet long, and fifteen feet wide, and if not for the shallow depth, would resemble the look of a fairly large and swanky Las Vegas style hotel pool.

Due to the size of the basin, the whirlpool mechanism had to be designed by NASA engineers, the cost of which is undeterminable at this time. However, estimates by the government expense watchdog group, Gary Eaton Associates, Ltd, tell us that the NASA engineers most certainly will add to the twenty-million dollar price tag, and Eaton’s educated guess is that two-million dollars or more will be spent on their contribution. That additional expense doesn’t include the parts for the special “Hyper Turbo Reflecting Water Processor,” needed for such a large pool.

When you put in a Jacuzzi of this size, the room and its surroundings must be prepared, and this also is certainly adding to the costs. Special lavish locker rooms are being installed and this alone has raised eyebrows within the Capitol itself. Why? Well, in order to make room for the locker and dressing areas, the offices of the House Special Committee on Multi-Cultural & Transgender Playgrounds will be demolished. (This committee is a holdover from the second Bush admin.)

Lovey Howell is the administrative secretary for the Playground committee and she’s now looking for office space.

“They got me stuck up in Nancy Pelosi’s old broom closet. That isn’t a nice way to treat a public servant at all. I’ve been helping playgrounds out for nine years,” she said.

Indeed, most of the workers on the Special Committee have been displaced.

I put in calls to all the major players on the hill, most notably both Speaker Ryan’s and Nancy Pelosi’s offices. Both had no comment on the project at all. When asked if they would be taking a private Jacuzzi together, I was hung up on. Senate offices are not commenting either, although I have been told they certainly will be using the facility.

If their offices would have stayed on the phone I would have asked: Why is this in the off-limits basement of the Capitol? They may not have given me a definitive answer, however sources close to the project tell me the reason is very simple: The press will not be able to take photos of Al Franken in his bathing suit.

Hidden costs:

Catering

I put in a call to Jamitis Foods, the catering company that services the food venues within the Capitol itself, and they told me that ten of their workers have been diverted to the Jacuzzi project. Previous to this they were all given “Fresh Fruit Smoothie” and “Coconut Foo-Foo Water Frappe” training. Once again the cost of this is undeterminable due to the fact that the Jamitis company always refuses to reveal their financial reports.

Decor

It seems that there’s a foreign connection to all of this. Notes on page four of the plans attribute a proposed delivery of “highly adorned furniture, built-in bookcases and settees” from the Andre Dupuy Design Company, located in Paris, France. A call to the design firm was indeed returned, but since I was unable to understand what they were saying, their added costs are not determinable at this time.

I will be following up with the details on this story and will be bringing you photos of the finished Jacuzzi when and if access is permitted.