We bring you an urgent bulletin from Dagmar Township New Jersey. Go ahead Dagmar.
Hello, are we on? Can you hear me New York…? (Static Sounds). This is Roger Carvel reporting live from Dagmar Township New Jersey. We are outside the home of Phillip and Bridgette Coinstar. There has been a very strange light emitting from their backyard. A bright, white-hot light has brought every citizen from the surrounding neighborhood here, and they’re gathered around hoping for some word of what is going on here. Wait… now there are very strange sounds emanating from the yard… yes… someone is coming through the side gate… I can see them now… yes… there are two of them… they seem to be glowing… their hands are shooting out some strange kind of light rays… wait… now they’re pointing them at the crowd…
BzzzzzBzzZZZZZZZZZZZZONGEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUFFFFFFFFFFF! (Screams, wailing, explosions)
Dear God, they’re shooting the people! Look out! Look out! Run away from the beams!
New York, if you can hear this, people are catching on fire… screaming in agony!
These beings are shooting heat rays out and killing scores of people here… they’re turning… they’re coming closer to our vantage point… RUN PEOPLE! MOVE AWAY, THEY’RE COMING THIS WA….
Come in Roger Carvel——come in Dagmar Township—— can you hear us? Come in Roger Carvel——————.
Ladies and gentlemen we seem to have lost our link with Dagmar Township and soon as we get it back, we will bring it to you. Let’s get you up to date. Heres what we know:
Yesterday, President Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris agreement plunging our world into total chaos. Obviously this strange occurrence is a DIRECT result of his not caring about the planet. It seems the lack of carbon stewardship on the president’s part has led to a cataclysmic transformation of beings into heat-emitting climate-change monsters that are hellbent on killing everyone within their vicinity. It seems that Mr. and Mrs. Coinstar of Dagmar Township have been transformed into… into murderous, climate-killers.
We have on the phone a well-respected and deeply knowledgable expert on all things science, Mr. Bill Nye. I would say these climate killers are actually climate terrorists, wouldn’t you Bill Nye?
Yes… I would. These are the dreaded climate terrorists that I have warned the world, PBS and many children’s parties about. I knew they would be coming. The world is now doomed and we can thank Trump for it.
Yes, that is too bad. We are getting information that these people turned monsters actually voted for Trump. A bystander noticed GO TO HELL HILLARY signs by their garbage pails.
Well, it seems that they got what they deserved then. But it still doesn’t make it fair to all the innocent people that have been roasted alive with the deadly climate change beams does it? We can’t get them back, and certainly Donald Trump deserves that blame.
Of course he does. Let me ask you, do you see everyone changing into these climate terrorists in the near future?
Yes, certainly in our lifetime. That’s why I recommend imprisoning anyone who flushes more than once a day or drives anything other than a Tesla.
We’ll be right back.