It is with utter amazement that I announce that new predictions have been found, quilled it seems by none other than that age-old soothsayer himself, Nostradamus.

About three months ago in the city of San Francisco during a celebration of, “EARTHWORMS, THE ORIGINAL TRANSGENDERS,” two worm-diggers unearthed an old ornate box containing some vintage parchment papers. Could these never before seen quatrains from the great Nostradamus help us navigate our crazy times? Here’s what has been unearthed:

Quatrain ICBMXXX

(Could this be referring to North Korea?)

The one of the Kim is holding a people prisoner.

His fire sticks whimper and fall into the sea.

The men to the south hold their bellies and cry out, for yea, he is stirring… and his bees swarm.

The one of the golden hair has risen and knows that the time has come for blinking not.

Alas, the dens of rod men may be their only hope.

Gather all ye, for I say this to unto you…

This is waaaay whacked.

Quatrain MMIXXV

(Could this be referring to the modern mainstream media? Hmmmmm? Could it?)

The gleam of a smile without the words of truth falls from the image on the moving wizard box.

And the people are treated as such sheep.

They shall ignore of the violence, they shall ignore of the cheat. They shall ignore of the crooked.

But ha-ha to those most foolish chumps, ‘cuz bro, it be Sweeps Week.

Quatrain XY

(Could this be the incredible vision of the great athlete Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner?)

Strong of body, hands of strength

For no one could run past his pace.

On the box of children’s grain, he proclaimed the power of the fromage victor.

Then the wind doth change… to the parts unknown.

All that had rejoiced and hailed the new formed sister born brother, have runneth away…

for yea, they have foundeth out that this chick is a frigging conservative.

Quatrain XOF

(Is this the prediction of the upsetting changes at Fox News?)

See the harph don spectacles that only see the side of left, for she doth still hath the birth water behind her ears.

A ceiling of glass broketh, and the roosters have been killed, for the time to build old Riley is now over.

And lo!  Bad things from the sons of the Mehrdock, for they now will bring forth some real primo douchebags.