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Warning: The contents of this article are meant to be satirical and many of the stories may or may not be actually true.
Pete Buttigieg and Beta O’Rourke continued their attack on the Electoral College. They join Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Corey Booker and others. Warren went even further by outlining her free college for all proposal currently stalled in the Senate. Said Warren, “If we start reigning in costs at the Electoral College, we begin the trek down that road for free college for all.” Warren made the comments while addressing a crowd of 25 students at the Electoral College in Ismay, Montana.
Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance in Akatag, Alaska spurring rumors she is seriously considering another run for President. Wearing a walrus-skin pantsuit, the first lady appeared before a crowd of 16 Inuits and 22 polar bears. Clinton seemed to signal that in 2016 her campaign may have ignored Alaska and that this may have cost her the election.
Not to be outdone, O’Rourke cancelled a campaign stop in Coon Rapids, Iowa and flew to Akatag. However, things got strange when O’Rourke lost control of his hands and slapped two nearby Eskimos. Police were called and before their dogsled arrived, O’Rourke had fled the scene. The O’Rourke campaign flatly denies the incident ever took place.
Elizabeth Warren doubled down on her 2% proposed wealth tax by actually quadrupling the number to 8%. The proposal would go into effect against any person making more than $7,820,514 which happens to be her estimated net worth according to Opensecrets.org.
Joe Biden released a video apologizing for the use of the words “Injun” and “Chinamen” in a previous statement. Stating he would be more sensitive in the future, he continued: “As everyone knows, I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I was there at Wounded Knee with my Native American brothers and I am the only candidate who was there when Chinese immigrants built the transcontinental railroad.” Bernie Sanders immediately challenged Biden stating that he too helped build the transcontinental railroad. Biden later apologized for the oversight.
Stacey Abrams continues to make news in Georgia when she set a single day record for milk output by a heifer. A spokesman for Mayfair Dairy Farm of Marietta said, “I sure hope she doesn’t run for anything. I’d hate to lose this one.”
And finally, the campaign is proving that politics surely does make for some strange bedfellows. It was announced earlier in the week that the Westboro Baptist Church has formed an alliance with Black Lives Matter. The new organization called the Westboro Black Baptist Church Where Straight Lives Matter said in a statement: “We intend to endorse a straight candidate of color in the near future.” Kamala Harris was seen at their Kansas headquarters while both Corey Booker and Pete Buttigieg appeared dejected when the statement was released. Stacey Abrams, sporting a huge grin, swatted a fly off her tail and continued to eat grass when asked for a reaction.