There's an article drifting in and out of the conversation around Cornell from The Cut titled "What Are Fathers Telling Their Sons About Cornell?" I knew clicking on it would only infuriate me, but I did it anyway because I think it's important to know what the other side is attempting to establish, narrative-wise.
Indeed, I wasn't surprised by anything I found.
The article was written by Kathryn Jezer-Morton, a woman who has a lot to say about parenting in the modern era.
I'll skip most of her sentiment about being concerned and distrustful of what fathers are saying to their sons in private. In fact, I think she should skip her own concern because even the answers she's given from fathers sound so safe that I feel like the men she talked to weren't being entirely honest. To be fair, I wouldn't be entirely honest with a journalist for The Cut either, if I had no other platform to get my message out.
But I wasn't too pleased with the "safe" answers that fathers gave her about what's being said by their sons behind closed doors, as it came off very finger-waggy to men.
Exhibit A:
“You have to inculcate respect and care for girls and women, but you also have to talk about what happens when the opinions that matter more than any others are five guys who belong to your bro group, and impressing them or belonging with them matters more than anything you’ve ever known. Because that’s a real scenario,” says Jason, who has two sons and, like all the dads I spoke to, is using a pseudonym.
This particular case, as Jason sees it, involves a similar dynamic that existed among the prison guards at Abu Ghraib or other cases of groupthink that led to violence. “I see this as men having formed a very tight bond, dehumanizing another person as part of their bonding,” he said.
And Exhibit B:
Sam, the father of a 15-year-old son and 17-year-old daughter, advises both kids to funnel their energy into acts of consideration. To his son in particular, he emphasized the importance of chivalry — not to display dominance but to be considerate.
“We’re the ones people correctly have to worry about, in terms of being predatory,” he says of men, “so what you want to do is convey an open show of warmth and respect. And do it for the purpose of making someone’s day better. If that’s your goal in opening a door, then I think you’ll be less likely to be one of the guys who responds to a text from your frat brother about the fact that there’s this highly intoxicated person in your room. Like, are you going forward in the world with the purpose of making other people’s lives a little bit better? Because I think too often the message that we tell kids is like, Look, just shut up, stay out of sight, don’t make trouble.”
Notice the sentiment behind the words. According to them, the men of the Cornell case are wholly at fault for the situation, and behind that fault was the need for males to belong to the groups they belong to. If they weren't trying to impress their bros, there would never have been a gang rape.
Only the evidence seems to show there was no gang rape, and the more evidence that surfaces, the more it starts to look like "Jane Doe" wasn't just a consenting participant, but that she may have had "rape accusation" as a backup plan in case things went south for her, which they did.
What isn't often being talked about right now is that the Cornell case is not unique. In fact, during the 2010s, rape accusations became a trend on college campuses, and many young men's lives were destroyed, only to find out later that they never raped anybody and the woman was making things up because she was regretful, jealous, or angry. One of the prime examples of this was the UVA frat rape accusation that ended up being wholly untrue, and the issue backfired so hard that Rolling Stone, which was driving the rape angle, never recovered.
But this entire thing did make me wonder what I would tell my son were he old enough for me to feel like this is a teachable moment for him, and the more I thought about it, the less I think anyone at The Cut would approve. I doubt many people would approve, actually, because my words would be so brutally honest that it would be offensive even to some of my friends and family.
But I'll tell you what I'd say anyway.
I'd tell him that there are hazards he's going to face throughout his life, and quite a few of them are going to be women. The brutal truth about women is that many aren't the mature and good-natured princesses you've seen in fiction growing up. Many of them are just as self-interested and ignorant as everyone else. The moral currency they carry with them is, like paper money, only about as valuable as the people around them allow it to be.
I'd tell him that when he begins his journey into manhood, many women are going to come across his path, and very few of them are going to be worth the attention they try to get from him, because many of them aren't there to love him, but to love themselves through his affections. He'll be dehumanized and treated like a tool to be used and discarded at their leisure. His value to them will only be as great or as little as their need for him.
I'd tell him that they will go to great lengths to feel worth something, including taking their clothes off and letting him have them, but he should never take these vulnerable, intimate moments as a beautiful and personal exchange of trust and love, but as gratification of the body and self-esteem, and sometimes not even both. Moreover, should she feel like she went too far later, the worst of them will go to great lengths to make him pay for her mistake. This could mean anything from being ghosted and ignored to attempts at labeling him as something horrible that he is not, which could result in major consequences for him.
I'd tell him that a woman is not to be trusted until she can prove herself to him. He should be very sure of her character, her values, and her virtues before he even thinks about becoming romantically entangled with her. I'd tell him he's going to fall in love with many women he sees at first sight. The way the light dances on her moving hair, the way her rising cheeks make her eyes look like precious stones when she smiles at him, and the touch of her hand on his arm are all intoxicating to a man, but these are not indications of character. That smile that enchanted him will be a dagger that stabs at him after her betrayal, which he never saw coming because he ignored the red flags she threw up around him or was too ignorant about her to look for them in the first place.
I'd tell him the love of his life is out there, somewhere. She might be right under his nose, but it's not time yet. Until then, be wary and careful. If a girl is drunk, don't be alone with her. Keep a group around you. Help her if she needs it, but don't allow her to begin getting physical with you, and don't go with her alone no matter how much she begs. Make her angry if you have to, but do not go with her.
I'd tell him sex is really, really fun and gratifying, but as fun as it is, it's insanely consequential, and the consequences are many, even if a few of them aren't apparent immediately. I'd tell him it's a very expensive gift that he shouldn't give to anyone, because once it's given, it can't be taken back. It can even create hostility in the wrong person.
And that's exactly what happened at Cornell. These boys put themselves into a situation where they weren't careful, they weren't responsible, and they paired that irresponsibility with the wrong girl.
That's what I'd tell him. I'd show him the consequences of being irreverent about connections with young women. I wouldn't bother him with "don't rape" and "don't give in to peer pressure to have sex" because I'd have already covered that in a previous lesson. I'd tell him to resist any peer pressure to have sex, no matter who it comes from, because the most pressure I ever experienced about having sex came from women in a specific moment. It was far more intense pressure than the urging to have sex with a girl from my male friends.
But the bottom line here is that we don't need to police men's sexuality more; we need to teach them that their sexuality can be used as a weapon against them, and they need to guard it. Especially in this day and age.
