All the greatest men have beards. Abraham Lincoln, ZZ Top guitarists, Santa Claus, and Brandon Morse from Redstate.
Now Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has joined the hallowed ranks of the bearded, and it’s fitting that he do so. As we all know, beards are pure, uncut excess toxic masculinity that grows out of the face in times of high toxicity. With Cruz’s victory over Francis O’Rourke in the midterms, Cruz’s toxicity levels were at an all-time high.
I imagine he tried to shave it at one point, but just like Tim Allen in the Santa Clause, it just grew right back immediately. So it was that he gave up and let his mighty mane grow. This is, of course, a great thing.
It’s paid off, though, and the beard has already been proving its worth on the Hill.
Ted Cruz: You don't got a beard, bro?
William Barr: pic.twitter.com/QD19lnZN9e
— Thor Benson (@thor_benson) January 15, 2019
Of course, you too can grow a beard, and Cruz is going to show you how.
I won’t ruin the how-to for you and I’m not sure I could describe the process as well as Cruz does, so I’m just going to leave it to him to explain how you too can grow a magnificent, manly batch of facial hair that will not only drive the ladies crazy, but also give off the message that any woke razor blade brands can take a hike.