In their quest to ruin everything that is beloved and joyful, the social justice community has now set its sites beyond timeless Christmas songs and cartoons, and is now focusing its gaze on the man in red himself, Santa Claus.
According to WPVI-TV, a company out in the UK called GraphicSprings was looking for a way to modernize Santa’s look. They surveyed 4,000 people in both the U.K. and the U.S. and found that 27 percent of respondents figured Santa should be gender neutral or female.
We can only slightly rest easy on the fact that 70 percent of respondents agreed that Santa should remain as “Father” Christmas, but the fact that people who believe he should be gender neutral are nearly 30 percent is mindblowing.
A handful of other respondents decided that Santa needed a changeup in his look, not just in his gender. A helpful graphic was made showing how Santa would look if people got there way. In summary, he’d look like your typical hipster douche-canoe fresh out of a coffee shop in my birth town of Austin, Texas.
The amount of hatred I would feel for the human race if these select people had their way with Santa Claus would be somewhere between wonderous and unfathomable. It would be the kind of loathing that would cause me to root for Thanos or a straight ticket vote for SMOD, Cthulu, and all the other world-ending gods.
Thankfully, according to WPVI-TV, the vast majority of humanity shares my sentiments about keeping Santa as unmolested as possible:
In other fields, respondents were largely in favor of leaving Santa Claus in the typical sense. More than 73 percent said Santa doesn’t need to drink beer, look younger, have tattoos, go on a diet, get a new hairstyle, or shave his beard.
In addition, more than 57 percent said Santa shouldn’t have to change out his customary sleigh for transportation. Among the choices in this category were flying car, using Amazon Prime, and riding a hoverboard.
Santa, at least for now, will go on being the jolly, fat, bearded, cookie eating man of morality that he’s been for ages.
Other attempts have been made on beloved Christmas traditions as well. Rudolph the Reindeer recently came under attack due to claims by the social justice crowd that it promoted bullying and the patriarchy. Also, the beloved Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” raised the yearly claims that it supports rape culture, and some feminist and her pet beta even made a highly cringy feminist version of the song.