Yes, Leftists, We're All Going to Die Due to Kennedy's Departure

FILE - In this Dec. 7, 1941 file photo, the destroyer USS Shaw explodes after being hit by bombs during the Japanese surprise attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Wednesday marks the 70th anniversary of the attack that brought the United States into World War II. (AP File Photo)

Leftists are currently losing their collective minds over the departure of (mostly) conservative Justice Anthony Kennedy.

As I was preparing my tank to roll down Dallas’s main square in celebration of my soon-to-be unlimited 2nd Amendment rights (I’m going to buy myself an anti-aircraft gun for my Chevy) I noticed that rabid feminist Jessica Valenti was upset over something the Federalist’s Sean Davis had said.


“If Roe is overturned,” wailed and gnashed Valenti, ” women will die – but it’s all a joke to men on the right.”

How could Davis be so myopic? I never considered the fact that Kennedy’s departure would put Roe v. Wade in danger, and the ability for women to kill their babies with little difficulty would be put in danger! That women won’t be able to kill future women will put their lives in danger! There will be dead in the streets instead of just in trash bins!

Michael Ian Black, who I’m told is a comedian, had a great solution to at least stave off the death of so many women.

Of course! In order to stave off death, women should go and intentionally have unprotected sex, become pregnant, and go buy abortions in bulk now so they’ll have it for later! Stocking up on abortions and putting them away like a sexual doomsday prepper will save tons of lives! If women don’t, I fear they may die in the streets due to a bad case of pregnancy, which is like contracting super-AIDS according to the left.

Stocking up on abortions won’t save every woman, but surely it will lighten the rivers of blood that will stain our streets the crimson hue of death by propagation of the species.


I somberly started up my M1A1, when I noticed another tweet scroll across my feed that gave me such pause. Twitter user Matthew K. noted something I had yet to consider.

According to Mr. K, we only have two options. One of them is to be a Nazi, and the other one is to be like the Jewish prisoners of Nazi Germany concentration camps in the 1940’s. Mr. K was in tears, said he, and his spark was going out!

I had no idea that Justice Kennedy had kept at bay the horrors of Nazi Germany. I had no idea that without a conservative-ish justice in the way, there would be trains filled to the brim with people who didn’t support a Republican president! I had no idea that the left is just like those who faced the worst and darkest parts of humanity. Such victims! And their spark! It’s going out! Because they’re just like people who suffered in the Holocaust!

I want to thank the level-headed and well thought out reasoning the left provides for allowing me to join the ranks of the woke. I had little clue as to the importance of Kennedy and his importance as the bulwark against all the worst things on the planet happening to America. But now I know.

We’re all gonna f*ckin’ die. There’s no if, and, or but about it. We know for a fact that Trump will put in someone bloodthirsty to replace Kennedy, like that fiend Justice Don Willet and his awesome Twitter account. Or, God forbid, Senator Mike Lee, whose entire philosophy is to leave people alone. Savages.


I expect women and minorities to begin dropping dead soon. The moment Kennedy takes off his judge’s robe is the moment the gay community will face discrimination, according to Slate. As we’ve been told time and again by people wearing skimpy rainbow colored clothing, they’re always just one court ruling away from complete extermination.

Please. I beg you. Do as Chris Matthews says and fight back. If we don’t, then the end of the world that was promised during the GOP tax cuts and the end of net neutrality really will happen this time. Can you imagine an America without abortions? Think of the children!



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