Your hyperactive desire to push a climate agenda reaches critical mass when you need to attach agitprop to the hit film “Barbie.”

Whenever there is a flashpoint taking place in the national culture, there is this need by the press to take action, usually in one of two ways. If there is something the mass audience is favoring, then you either are required to dump on the frivolity and explain how it is problematic, or else you find a way to appropriate the hype and use it for an agenda. In either case – be it acting contrarian or using something for agitprop – there is a cynicism involved where the journalist needs to lecture us not to have so much enjoyment.

Taking the approach of the second method was Li Cohen of CBS News, who saw the stampede at movie theaters this past weekend and came to the inevitable illogical conclusion: Clearly I need to turn this wave of popularity for “The Barbie Movie” into a global warming lecture! That nobody in the news division at the network stopped this from taking place or brought the prospect to a close through sheer laughter, is itself an indication of how far adrift the journalism complex in the country finds itself.

Cohen literally wove a lengthy piece on the dangers of global warming and rising sea levels by framing it on how this would impact the iconic doll favored for generations. This is explained not in the future availability of Barbie Dolls in stores, or possibly how the manufacturing of the doll is impacting the planet in adverse ways. No, global warming will literally threaten the existence of Barbie’s “dream home” in Malibu, California. Yes, seriously.

Barbie's Malibu Dreamhouse would need to be redesigned to survive as California gets even warmer. Here's how. https://t.co/MYVTSeH7qU

— CBS News (@CBSNews) July 24, 2023

California, where Barbie’s home is based, has been facing an onslaught of brutal weather over the past year – severe drought that encapsulated the majority of the state, back-to-back deadly atmospheric rivers that caused massive floods, and now, extreme heat. And these are problems that aren’t going away anytime soon. As humans continue to heavily burn fossil fuels, the gases emitted in that process will continue to fill the atmosphere, trapping the heat from the sun and turning Barbie’s Dreamhouse into an Easy Bake Oven.

Let us note that in this effluvium of wisdom, Cohen’s use of “as humans” almost indicates that there is something of a split taking place in the mind of the writer that Barbie can actually become adversely impacted by our actions. Yes, in the movie, the setup is that the dolls all live in an alternate reality or universe and find a way to cross over into our realm, but this brings up a primary disqualifier; Barbie does not experience the grim atmospheric future in her world.

I cannot possibly see how anyone would breeze through this piece and begin nodding their head in agreement, but moreover, it defies logic that editors saw this and pushed it through to be published. A collection of people thought this was a grand piece of journalism and attached the corporate logo atop this divine work.

My mind now goes to the next logical step: When does Mattel begin producing play sets to go along with imparting Barbie’s dream world conditions with our real-world calamity? We could begin with the accessory kit that comes with pink sandbags and fuchsia housing supports, so her mansion will be above the flood conditions. Her magenta Corvette will need to be traded in for a bubble gum-hued watercraft, of course. 

Why stop there? Other items that could be compatible with conditions experienced in the area could also be offered up. I can see there being a Barbie dream generator to deal with rolling blackouts, complete with salmon-colored extension cords. Ken could have his own “Smoke Jumper” action wear so he can battle the wildfires approaching Malibu Barbie’s neighborhood. There can be a whole new line of characters, as toy tents and homeless action figures can start to populate the property, impacting the property value of her carnation mansion.

These could become pricey accessories, but you can use the money you save from canceling your subscription to the CBS News service.