The CNN Romance Novel Featuring January 6 Starlet Cassidy Hutchinson

Hutchinson’s testimony had one CNN media analyst particularly struck by her performance. We take things further, in parodic fashion.

To say the press was bowled over by the Tuesday appearance of Cassidy Hutchinson at the January 6 hearing is an understatement, and that is because most of the reactions were overstatements. “Dramatic,” “Historic,” “Watergate-level,” and all other hyperbolic descriptors were rushed out to editors Tuesday afternoon. None may have been more effusive however than from CNN’s David Zurawik.


Following Cassidy’s performance, Zurawik was positively vibrating with excitement. “What a remarkable TV moment,” he enthused. He went on to describe her appearance as “brave and electrifying testimony.” And he was not done. David took things to uncomfortable levels after that.

As a result, Dave is poised to release a book on the Tuesday hearing, his impressions of that day captured in the flowing prose we have come to appreciate from CNN’s media wordsmith. We obtained an excerpt of Zurawik’s impending release, The Insurrection of the Heart. Bask in his ardent locution


CHAPTER 3: The Truth-Swept Chamber

Cassidy strode in with a confidence that belied her seemingly naive status. Barely past the quarter-century mark, she was a yearling by D.C. standards, yet her countenance betrayed an unmistakable charisma that hushed the room. A vacuum was created as both males, and females, and dozens of other categories alike, gasped with a sharp intake of air since all were struck by the visage she cast. Resplendent in an ivory ensemble that contrasted with her flowing auburn mane, nary a set of eyes blinked while she strode to occupy her place before the panel.

Poised, confident, and in full command of the moment, Cassidy proceeded to work her wiles and overtake all who were in attendance. Her skills were such that a svengali would become envious. Her words spilled like so much chiffon onto a dessert, her voice a lilt that would sway an archfiend and calm a battalion. That her verse should flow from this sylph-like form meant her seduction of the room was total.


This was but the beginning, as her enticement skills included more than just her aura — a masterful cajolery was also unleashed. The fair Ms. Hutchinson weaved a delivery that overtook even the most hardened cynic in attendance. Her testimony was turgid with facts and invaded the intimate recesses of the doubters’ minds, incapable were they from denying her from occupying their realms of pent desires.

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AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Cassidy spoke of how the former president imposed himself onto the dewy and unsullied form of our cherished founding. He rapaciously violated the bosom of our democracy, tearing apart the Constitution like a bodice shred from the unsullied figure of a maiden, shredding the Bill of Rights as if they were a vestal’s foundation garments, impeding his desires to be forced upon her. 

Regaled was the audience with the villainous actions of the past leader. His rabid lunging for control of the motorcade inspired gasps, and the recounting of the nefarious attack on agents caused vertiginous reactions throughout the chamber. The adverse emotions were stilled somewhat as the divine Ms. Hutchinson then swept to detailing her interlude in the nearby repast area.

Following an outburst, Cassidy was undeterred, and she sought the origin of the snarling echoes. She entered the dining atrium. There she encountered a scene of disturbing consummation – and the White House valet. Young, like herself, he was forthright but hence made timid by the obvious rage now on display. Eyes were met but the lingering violence hung like a pall and prevented words from being capably delivered.


She spotted the streak of ketchup on the wall, the crimson rivulet serving as a glaring testament to the predicated anger, and she instantly settled into a communal effort. Grabbing a cloth she stooped, her garment tightening on her form as the effect augmented her frame, limbs accentuated and lines and curves made obvious. Yet as the condiment evidence was dispatched more vocal eruptions ensued in the halls.

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AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

Compelled into action, Cassidy strode with an equine’s athleticism for an office. The tension had spiked her anxiety and a velveteen sheen of perspiration settled across her flesh as she quickly scribed a missive to her leader, a desperate effort to quell further enragement. The letter dashed off, she remained, out of breath and her chest heaving with each intake. Beneath that rising ample display, her heart thrummed with acceleration, 

Was this what her career would entail going forth, and would this lead to more of these mixed feelings of fear and unmistakable physical ardor? Her mind flashed to the valet, and how the feeling of crisis nearly drove them together. She desired to return to him, and indulge in that very obvious shared desire – unspoken and yet, made all the more obvious by the crisis that enveloped them.

But no; she was pulled elsewhere. As much as she longed for that solace in the embrace of that fit steward and to fill that havoc-inspired need, her country needed her more. That is where her true passions rested. After regaling the attendant crowd, she turned her cafe-hued eyes to the panel once again, her lithe form now everyone’s focus. 


The seduction was complete. We, in attendance, were now hers. To a person, all would go willingly to any directed location, such was her grasp on the assembled crowd. Cassidy’s passion for this nation was matched…by our passion for her. 

Mr. Zurawik’s book will be released this fall by Capitol Passions, the political imprint of Harlequin Romance Publishing.

[Just in case it needs to be reiterated for the Twitter TOS division or the CNN legal team, the above piece was a work of satire.]


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