Pulitzer Prize Parody Nominations: Viral Stalkers, Herschel Walker, and Anxious Video Squawkers

(AP Photo/Stack’s Bowers Galleries)

Our weekly recognition of less-than meritorious excellence in journalism is worthy of Pulitzer consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions to the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

  • Chris Cillizza – CNN

The announcement was recently made that Herschel Walker was going to formally enter his name for the upcoming Senatorial race in Georgia. CNN’s Chris Cillizza considered this news and came to the conclusion this was a poor decision. In fact, as he declared, it to be “a total nightmare for Senate Republicans.” Now, this is a seat not currently held by the GOP, so not sure how nightmarish this can get, but he cites three issues as being the problem.

  1. Walker is not technically a Georgian – While ignoring how he is a local hero, this also is refuted by Senator Hillary Clinton’s abbreviated residency.
  2. He has no political experience –  Cillizza needs reminding that AOC has become a political star despite a resume that was emptier than a feminist college in Kabul.
  3. Walker has a past where he was accused of saying threatening things to his spouse – While seemingly a negative, Walker is running against Raphael Warnock, a man GA voters placed despite a contemporary record of actual violence.

 

Distinguished Local Reporting

  • Cindy Krischer Goodman – South Florida Sun-Sentinel

In the state of Florida, the Covid-19 virus is running rampant, according to the press. So out of control is this virus that it has taken on the properties of a serial killer. Not based on the body count, but on the way it is now adapting to the methods of a slasher, as seen in a horror movie. This is the description we get from the local paper in Broward County. The virus is now stalking teens in our schools, just like Jason Voorhees.

 

Distinguished Commentary

  • Aaron Rupar – Vox

Is it too much to ask that a reporter who is covering politics have a working knowledge of our political landscape that stretches back at least a few years? Over at Vox, this is apparently not a job requirement. Granted, we are talking about the pathologically biased Aaron Rupar here, but even by his diminished standards this is a new nadir in obliviousness.

Aaron was taken aback by a letter penned by Rep.Madison Cawthorn that calls on the administration to invoke the 25th Amendment and have Joe Biden removed as president. Sure, it is a posturing move on Cawthorn’s part, but note the outrage from Rupar over this move.

Things, Aaron, were long cheapened, considering over the span of 4 years Democrats invoked the 25th with Donald Trump numerous times — including an actual bill being drafted his first year in office — and that he was impeached unsuccessfully twice. One of those was over a phone call, mind you, not a botched mission that led to military deaths and the abandonment of Americans in a hostile nation.

 

Distinguished Feature Writing 

  • Grace Cook — New York Times

For most of a generation, we have been schooled that cotton tote bags were a solution to planetary decay. Instead of the toxic plastic sacks, tote bags are safer, reusable, and made from a renewable source.

NOPE! These things are deadly planet-killing curses, The Times informs us!

The list of crimes against nature perpetrated by these once thought of saviors of the planet is lengthy. The cotton crops use too much water, the bags are not recyclable, and Chinese-made bags employ slave labor. An organic cotton tote needs to be used 20,000 times to offset its overall impact of production, according to a 2018 study. That equates to daily use for 54 years — for just one bag.

Considering how vile these knapsacks are it makes sense for the newspaper to question companies that distribute these items — you know, like The New York Times, for example.

 

Distinguished Sports Reporting

  • Chrissy Calahan – Yahoo News

News is rocketing across the sports landscape concerning PGA golfer Collin Morikawa. He has become renowned for having a deep enjoyment of cereal. His club covers are even made to represent the anthropomorphic cereal pieces of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch brand. But now something even more gripping has been revealed in a recent video. We are told of Collin’s “bizarre cereal-eating habits.”

At the beginning of the short clip, Morikawa pulls out a collapsible bowl and you think he’s about to pour some cereal in, but he reaches for the milk instead!!!! (Exclamation points added by RedState.)

If you think you can withstand the imagery, the video clip can be seen here.

 

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

  • Kerry Breen — NBC News / The Today Show

We have gone all of a day or two without a pre-fab social dilemma supposedly coursing through our society, so here arrives The Today Show to inform us of the latest affliction to beset our nation. The pandemic has made us reliant on Zoom meetings and, as a result, we are suffering from Zoom Dysphoria. It turns out — get this — looking at ourselves on camera affects the way we see ourselves.

I call out these self-involved hysterics. As someone who has endured Mirror Disassociative Disorder most of my life this sounds like a made-up malady.

 

Distinguished Frozen Dessert Reporting

  • Anne Tate — Washingtonian Magazine

In this newly-created Joe Biden category, we have a new entry as we have been alerted to a news item concerning some White House history. A former pastry chef from the Reagan and Bush administrations is about to bring to auction some cherished items from the president’s residence. A collection of dessert molds will be auctioned off near the end of this month, 300 of which have been used over the years for official White House dinners.

The molds were created for specific dignitaries and events. One can only assume, therefore, in years ahead, there will be a higher premium placed on Joe Biden’s very well-worn ice cream molds.