Resistance is Fertile! A Who’s-Who-The-Heck-IS-That of 2020 Candidates -- Your Democrat Presidential Primer

With the Democrat field expanding like a mushroom field here is an attempt at some order

Given all of the reactionary hysterics and the media-fueled outrage at a non-existent Russian electoral plot we were sure the Democratic Party would have an energetic slate of probable candidates looking to depose the despised President. What has happened however is an ever-widening collection of motivated do-gooders are jumping into the ring for the party nomination.

Beyond some of the expected names, a new batch of arrivals has also joined the fray, and this is leading to amusing results. CNN and the other news nets (but not Fox News!) which are staging the debates beginning this summer are grappling with how to manage such a large collection of prospects. At least for the first round of discussions, they have to divide the field in half and hold debates on successive nights in order to fit everyone in.

The other result is now these candidates are trying to out-extreme each other in order to be noticed. They have taken to making outlandish promises and draping themselves with a pet project for the sake of being name-checked and earning some media traction. So below is the list of known candidates, and some of the prospective names, and the issues they are desperate to have attached to their name.

 

Cory Booker
Known For: Being “Spartacus”; dating Rosario Dawson; creating imaginary acolytes.
The longtime NJ Senator and T-Bone’s friend used his posturing during last Fall’s Brett Kavanaugh SCOTUS hearing as his audition tape for the campaign, embarrassing himself to all but his ardent followers.
Pet Causes: Anti-Lynching bill; Giving all American children a $1,000 savings account; legalizing marijuana

Kamala Harris
Known For: Passing laws favoring Planned Parenthood; Launching her career by having an affair with Willie Brown.
Harris has been long looked as a Dem hopeful, checking off so many demographic boxes they have to write in more categories. She was another who used Kavanaugh’s hearing as her coming out party.
Pet Causes: Allowing DREAMers to get jobs in Congress; Abortion legal up to birth;

Bernie Sanders
Known For: The Man Who Scared Hillary; being a socialist who owns 3 houses.
Sanders is famous for espousing socialist ideals, but not exactly living by them. He loves to offer taxpayer giveaways like he is Santa Claus.
Pet Causes: free college tuition; Free healthcare; free prescription drugs; pretty much anything he can give away

Elizabeth Warren
Known For: Faking her Native American heritage;
There was a time when Warren was looked favorably as the first possible female President, but a wealth of female candidates has diluted that image.
Pet Causes: Targeting business for workers; Wants a “wealth tax”;

Beto O’Rourke
Known For: Jumping on furniture; talking with his arms; claiming to be hispanic; having his father override a DUI; stealing his campaign graphics from Whataburger
O’Rourke has been deemed one of the Democratic Party rising stars, without much accomplished, and he is hesitant to make many platform declarations.
Pet Causes: Open borders; accusing the President of being a Nazi

 

Amy Klobuchar
Known For: Abusing her staff; being from Minnesota
The longtime Senator was hoping to bank on being MidWest nice, but stories of flinging office supplies and eating food with a comb have plagued her. She leaned into global warming in her announcement speech, during a blizzard.
Pet Causes: Climate Change; Cyber-security; has a trillion dollar infrastructure plan

Kirsten Gillibrand
Known For: Filling Hillary’s NY Senate seat; suggesting Al Franken be dismissed
She has banked heavily on women’s causes in the past, and her platform is largely based on restoring values in D.C.
Pet Causes: Paid Family Leave; Orange Man bad

Pete Buttigieg
Known For: Being the “Gay Mayor”; having a name few can pronounce
The Mayor of South Bend, Indiana is trying to be seen as a political reformer to appeal to millennials.
Pet Causes: Change voting districts; revamp Supreme Court; called the Electoral College “dumb”

Julian Castro
Known For: Former mayor of San Antonio; being Latino but not good at speaking Spanish
The former member of Obama’s cabinet has to do much to become a notable figure.
Pet Causes: Overhaul of immigration law; dismantling ICE; universal pre-K

Tulsi Gabbard
Known For: Surfing in Hawaii; angering Democrats on social issues
The photogenic Representative has been on the receiving end of controversies since she announced – from her own party. Her stances on LGBTQ and foreign policy have been under fire.
Pet Causes: Fighting corruption and greed in politics and business

John Hickenlooper
Known For: Mayor of Denver, Governor of Colorado
While lightly known he is accomplished, however his strength on economic issues is mitigated by the fact the country’s economy is currently humming.
Pet Causes: Saying America is broken; his economic record

Jay Inslee
Known For: Governor of Washington; playing basketball with President Obama while a House member
A lightly regarded name he has some backing via PACs.
Pet Cause: He is all about the environment and climate change

Tim Ryan
Known For: Challenging Nancy Pelosi for Speaker
Basically fumbled out of the gate with this quote: “As a Congressman for almost 20 years I’ve watched the American dream slip through the fingers of many.” Soooooo, you think this is a selling point for your resume???
Pet Cause: Has said he is in favor of a $40 minimum wage

Andrew Yang
Known For: Being a wealthy entrepreneur
Yang will offer what he dubs as a “freedom dividend” to all citizens – i.e. buying votes. Has stated we are a generation away from whites exacting violence on Asian-Americans. (Not his official platform.)
Pet Cause: Paying everyone $1,000 monthly

John Delaney
Known For: Uh…being the first to declare his candidacy, I guess.
The former Maryland Representative almost sounds like a Republican when saying we shouldn’t attack banks, and our need to revamp social security.
Pet Cause: Bi-Partisanship; opposing most far-left policies.

Wayne Messam
Known For: He’s not
The Mayor of Miramar, Florida recently declared, and has one main challenge. I live in South Florida. Nobody knows of him here.
Pet Cause: Wants to oppose the wealthy businessman President as a wealthy businessman.

 

MAY YET RUN

Joe Biden
Known For: Casual racism; creepy personal space violations; plagiarism
The former Vice President has an issue with deciding to join the fray.
Pet cause: Assuming he is qualified

Eric Swalwell
Known For: Being wrong about Russian collusion for over 2 years.
The California representative and talk show fixture is expected to announce his plan to run in the next week. He is hoping no one calls him out on being wrong about the Mueller probe.
Pet Cause: Being wrong about gun control

Michael Bloomberg
Known For: Spending millions on lost causes.
Former New York Mayor had declared he would not run, but has lately has voiced a campaign as a possibility.
Pet Cause: Gun control; running on his record of banning sugary drinks.

This immense field may only be just the beginning. For the second stage of fun, the long list of candidates will be jockeying to come up with running mates. We may next have a Thunderdome scenario on our hands regarding the VP picks.