The ever-widening sex abuse cases are causing the predatory class to attempt dodging responsibility by using a template confession.

You are an important, powerful man who is a vital component in your chosen industry. You occupy a position of influence like few can even conjure, let alone comprehend. Your personal value is such that you cannot be distracted too long from your appointed tasks and gathering of wealth by some tart coming forward with tales of your ribald tendencies.

However the contemporary climate is such that the general public is actually listening to these tomatoes! It has become apparent you will have to atone professionally, at least for now to appease the pitchfork crowd. However there is a long term goal of retaining some semblance of power, and possibly returning to your vaunted position. To do so you need to present a mea culpa of appropriate fashion to lay a pathway for your return.

Following the example set forth by your trailblazing contemporaries you can draw up a proper messaging that should influence the simple-minded rabble who called for your ouster. If done correctly you can see a time in the future where you are properly returned to your deserved position of hoovering wealth and continuing with rapacious feminine conquests.

Use as many of these tried points in your prepared statement to allow for a public dose of a sociopathic emetic. Consider this as step #1 in your professional rehabilitation.

ACKNOWLEDGE WRONGDOING
These are all those things your lawyer has stated is legally wrong. In other words, those reasons that you actually have a lawyer.

WEINSTEIN – I appreciate the way I behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I apologize for it.
HALPERIN – I apologize sincerely to the women I mistreated.
LAUER – There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry.
FRANKEN – I have been forced to take a good, hard look at our own actions and think (perhaps, shamefully, for the first time) about how those actions have affected women.
SIMMONS – I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over many decades.
LOUIS CK – The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.

MISREMEMBER YOUR ACTIONS

This is helpful after admitting you were wrong that you truly did not act in a wrong fashion. It is a way of generating some instant rehab on your image, so why not try it?!

HALPERIN — Many of the accounts…have not been particularly detailed…making it difficult for me to address certain specifics.
LAUER – Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized.
FRANKEN – I certainly don’t remember the rehearsal for the skit in the same way. While I don’t remember the rehearsal for the skit as Leeann does, I understand why we need to listen to and believe women’s experiences.
SIMMONS – I have been informed with great anguish of Jenny Lumet’s recollection about our night together. Her memory of that evening is very different from mine.

DISTRACT FROM YOUR POWER   

Many people think it is wrong to be in a position of great influence and to reap the rewards you have earned. Try to deflect away from this. Don’t be afraid to be “humble”.

WEINSTEIN – This is a wake-up call. I cannot be more remorseful.
HALPERIN – I didn’t need a call from HR to know that I was a selfish, immature person.
LAUER – It’s been humbling.
FRANKEN – This has been a shock and has been extremely humbling.
SIMMONS – I sincerely and humbly apologize.
LOUIS CK – There is nothing about this that I forgive myself for. And I have to reconcile it with who I am.

PROFESSIONAL SACRIFICE

Maybe you will ask for punishment, or maybe you will announce you are stepping down from your position (even while retaining things like stock, and profit-sharing.) This is the show of sacrifice, so the public feels like you are suffering.

WEINSTEIN – I plan to take a leave of absence from my company and deal with this issue head on.
HALPERIN – I will be spending time with my family and friends.
LAUER – I realize the depth of the damage and disappointment I have left behind .
FRANKEN – I am asking that an ethics investigation be undertaken, and I will gladly cooperate.
SIMMONS – I don’t want to be a distraction so I am removing myself from the businesses that I founded.
LOUIS CK – I will now step back and take a long time to listen.

GIVE THE GALS A VOICE   

Look, yes — these women have brought you down. But if you turn it around and applaud them for speaking out you will look better, sooner. And, added bonus: You are shifting the attention on them, and away from you!

HALPERIN – I hope that not only will women going forward be more confident in speaking up…the world is now acknowledging what so many women have long known; men harm women in the workplace. That new awareness is, of course, a positive development.
FRANKEN – What people think of me in light of this is far less important than what people think of women who continue to come forward to tell their stories. They deserve to be heard, and believed.
SIMMONS – The voices of the voiceless, those who have been hurt or shamed, deserve and need to be heard.
LOUIS CK – I also took advantage of the fact that I was widely admired in my and their community, which disabled them from sharing their story and brought hardship to them when they tried because people who look up to me didn’t want to hear it.

PAYING OF PENANCE   

Here is where you will announce you will take on a new activity to show a repayment to society. Think of it like those charitable donations you claimed to make to earn tax deductions.

WEINSTEIN – I have decided that I am going to give the NRA my full attention.
HALPERIN – I’ll work to make amends and contributions both large and small.
FRANKEN – I have let them (women) down and am committed to making it up to them.
SIMMONS – I will convert the studio for yogic science into a not-for-profit center of learning and healing.

PERSONAL GROWTH   

Be sure to let everyone know how the most important thing here is not the victims of your actions, but that you are on the path to becoming a better person. The public loves this!

WEINSTEIN – Though I’m trying to do better, I know I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. My journey now will be to learn about myself and conquer my demons. I’ve brought on therapists.
HALPERIN – I had weekly counseling sessions to work on understanding the personal issues and attitudes that caused me to behave in such an inappropriate manner.
LAUER – Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full time job.
FRANKEN – I know that I am going to have to be much more conscious in these circumstances — much more careful, much more sensitive
SIMMONS – I will step aside and commit myself to continuing my personal growth, spiritual learning and above all to listening.
LOUIS CK – I have been remorseful of my actions. And I’ve tried to learn from them.

DECLARE DEEP RESPECT FOR WOMEN  

This will convince the rubes that, despite years of treating them like cocktail shrimp, you are not a vile sexist.

WEINSTEIN – I so respect all women and regret what happened.
HALPERIN – We as an industry and a society can create an atmosphere that no longer tolerates this kind of behavior.
FRANKEN – I apologize to everyone who counts on me to be an ally and supporter and champion of women. I respect women. I don’t respect men who don’t.
SIMMONS – Abusing women in any way shape or form violates the very core of my being.

So there you have it! Use as many of these bullet-point subjects as you can, and you’ll find redemption will come along a lot sooner than you think!

And remember: you are trying to place the focus on the women and victims here, so be sure to mention yourself constantly, and use “I” as many times as humanly possible.