Cosmopolitan’s Relationship Advice for Women: “Don’t Have One”

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For decades Cosmopolitan Magazine was the torchbearer of modern women. These days it touts confounding sexual advice, stunted political thought, and misandry.

Apart from the fashions, makeup, and other female-centric content, the magazine is rife with sexual and relationship advice for readers. To this a slight alteration to the economic principle caveat emptor should be in play; “buyer ignore” is the wiser course.

In a series of recent columns, you see the magazine is less inclined to offer advice to cultivate a healthy relationship than it is to hew a divide and provide fodder for ladies to dish how bad their men are — possibly over cosmopolitans.

The first head-shaking entry is “Why Guys Get Turned on When You Orgasm — and Why That’s a Bad Thing”. On first impression, you may dismiss this as mere trolling for clickbait. From the opening sentence however you learn this is truly a trip down a rabbit hole of illogic, social dynamics, and sexual politics.

It’s not enough that men are already having more orgasms than women.” So begin the hysterics. Now maybe I’m bringing far too much wisdom to the table here, but any relationship valued higher than the hookup/booty-call/one-nighter variety should have a modicum of communication going for it. That said, the woman’s satisfaction should be a foregone conclusion, to the extent a healthy relationship bears some orgasm parity. If it is not, then there are larger issues that cannot be helped by an issue of Cosmo.

Additionally, if there is a negative ratio in this statistical category, that reflects poorly on the magazine that traffics in this very subject of female climaxes on a nearly daily basis.

From the second sentence on, there is far more to unravel:

  • To make matters worse, a new study published in the “Journal of Sex Research” found — aside from deriving pleasure from their own orgasms, obviously — men also derive a specific sort of masculine pleasure from making female partners orgasm. The researchers in the study, Sara Chadwick and Sari van Anders, refer to this incredibly predictable phenomenon as a “masculinity achievement.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I imagine a “masculinity achievement” looks something like Super Mario punching a coin out of one of those floating boxes in the video game.

First, look at that final portion. The writer states “I’m not exactly sure what that means”, indicating she did not read the very study she references. But let’s get to the meat of this segment. Men supplying their partner is not something to celebrate. No, it will “make matters worse”.

The “How?” to this “dilemma” is opaque. The study had men read a scenario where they pleasured a woman, and shockingly they felt higher self-esteem, and masculinity. “Research indicated that the increased attention to women’s orgasms may also serve men’s sexuality, complicating conceptualizations of women’s orgasms as women-centric.” Feel free to join me with a head on the desk.

Full disclosure, I’m not a sex researcher. But I will suggest that if an orgasm is achieved with a partner it seems reasonable to say it can be neither woman-centric, nor man-centric. Also note, there is no pearl-clutching dismay if a woman derives pleasure from the male orgasm. The outrage only flows in one direction.

In conclusion, there is one last nugget from the  researchers:

  • They end their note with an encouragement for men to think of orgasms less as achievements to be unlocked, and truly view them for what they are: tiny little pleasure explosions that should be enjoyed — frequently — by female partners.

You get that, patriarchal pleasure seekers?! Do not work on making her climax, but should her climax actually occur do not acknowledge what happened. Roll over, grab the remote, and put on the MMA fight.

In another article that I am sure was not meant for a testosterone-polluted male such as myself, Cosmo comes up with this helpful list, “12 Reasons to Never Shower Together”. Of note, this is not a list of safety tips, nor cautionary steps to take. You are to NEVER do this.

Allow me to lobby briefly for the merits of communal lathering, aside from the obvious. This is a practice that will solidify relationships because you need to be in a strong position with each other when under the nozzle. Unlike the bedroom, where the self-conscious can take refuge in the dark or under covers, showering is a well-lit, on-display affair. If you are sharing the loofa you both are at a point of being comfortable and happy. Yet this is something recommended to never happen.

The dire reasons listed here range from the trivial to the asinine. Danger is, of course, a factor, albeit a dumb one. Then, there is the loss of valuable alone-time. “Your whole week will be messed up if you trade those few moments of silent reflection for some slippery company. That’s not worth it! I would beg to differ that coupling is preferable to fretting over office trivialities, but again, I’m a Y-chromosome monster.

Another tragedy listed is the man will likely ask to clean the woman’s body. “Your breasts and butt cheeks will be cleaner than they’ve ever been before in your entire life, and the rest of your body — including all your little nooks and crannies — will be left entirely ignored and filthy.” A woman, apparently, is incapable of addressing these areas herself, is my understanding. Imagine if the man wasn’t there! Nothing would get cleaned!

I think I landed on the impetus of this odd condemnation of fun time for couples. In one entry you get the palpable disgust the writer has for a happy romp under the spray. Do you really want someone touching you the whole time you’re just trying to get clean? Someone poking and prodding at you while you’re trying to get clean is only going to slow you down (and annoy the sh** out of you). That’s when it hits you.

This writer is that friend who has been hurt by a man, and her embittered attitude leeches out in all discussions with others. When mention of any relationship happiness is brought up she’s the one to raise the prospect that he’s just going to hurt you!

To give you a sense of how off base the magazine is on this subject the photo they chose to use as the header seems to belie the entire article. It displays a wet couple embracing under the water, the woman clearly enthusiastic in the act and enjoying it.

Given that even she avoids the advice presented is all the reason for you to do the same.