How could we not honor all these species with emojis of their own? It’s a scandal, I tell you.

"Invertebrate injustice"

To paraphrase the CEO of the parody site the Babylon Bee, Seth Dillon, it’s getting awfully difficult to do satire anymore because the corporate press itself is so ridiculous. Here we go:

Traditionally, all life can be placed in one of six or so different kingdoms. (Biologists still cannot agree on how many kingdoms of life there are.) But only two of them — plants and animals — have any significant presence in the emoji library.

Oh, the horror! And who is fighting for the rights of the single-cell organisms? Where is the outrage?

All single-cell organisms are represented by a lone, nondescript “microbe” emoji (🦠). Seemingly missing are tiny organisms called protists, a diverse and predominantly unicellular group. [No! Say it isn’t so!]

Like animals and plants, protists have a nucleus containing DNA (whereas single-celled bacteria do not). They are crucial to many ecosystems, sitting at the base of food chains and eaten by large microorganisms, insect larvae and fish.

But don’t forget about the plight of the neglected, downtrodden fungi. Poor things, nobody seems to care that they’ve been ignored.

The fungus kingdom has one measly mushroom emoji (🍄). There is no mold, for example, despite its prevalence in the environment (and in many people’s basements).

Some molds make people sick. But others play an important role in nature by breaking down fallen leaves and other organic matter, returning nutrients to the environment.

More fungi emojis! We at RedState could start a movement! Write your congresscritter today.

And don’t forget the creepy things, they deserve respect too:

There are a handful of mollusks (🐌), arthropods (🕷️) and worms (🪱). But there are no [emoji] echinoderms — that is, sea stars and their relatives.

Sea stars, also known as starfish, are a keystone species — meaning removing the invertebrates can upend an entire ecosystem. The crash in starfish off the West Coast, for instance, allowed the sea urchins upon which they preyed to destroy huge underwater kelp jungles.

And if you’ve been staying up late worried about the tardigrades—as have we all, I assume—please let Google/Apple/Facebook know ASAP because they are simply being forgotten:

Nor are there any tardigrades, or water bears — a group of extremely hardy, eight-legged animals.

These microscopic creatures are like the superheroes of the animal kingdom, capable of surviving extreme conditions that would kill many other animals — like environments found in the deep sea, polar regions and even space. Scientists study water bears to learn how to protect humans in extreme conditions.

The idiocy continued, ad nauseum, as they scolded Big Tech for the lack of cicada emojis, rodent symbols, and more. The discrimination is so egregious, according to the once proud newspaper, that it would seem we should make an emoji for every living thing that’s ever existed. Of course, it would take us hours to scroll through them all just to compose a simple text about our dog, but such is the sacrifice we must make in the name of equity or equality or whatever it is they’re calling it these days.

It’s frankly getting hard to skewer the corporate—or mainstream, or corrupt, or legacy, whatever adjective you choose to use—media these days, because they’re just so darn idiotic. The fact is, if you’re someone who likes to use texts to communicate, you already know that Apple already has a bearded pregnant man at your disposal. What more could you want?