Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Corona Chic

As people around the world are dropping from Corona Virus (and other mundane things like the flu), apparently people are most concerned with unlocking their phones while staying healthy. Good news! You can just get your face printed on a surgical mask so facial recognition still works.

Made this service that prints your face on an N95 mask, so you can protect people from viral epidemics while still being able to unlock your phone.

😷+👃🏻👃🏽👃🏿👄=🔓https://t.co/SXslSjoiMz pic.twitter.com/rByMBwdPB8

— Danielle Baskin (@djbaskin) February 15, 2020

Verdict: Good news for big technology knowing where you are every second of the day, bad news for humanity that these are their priorities. We’re doomed.

Shower Shenanigans

A recent poll has confirmed that people are disgusting. I don’t mean regular disgusting, I mean that one in thirty people in has gone number two in the shower. On purpose.

Verdict: I hardly need to tell you that we’re completely doomed. One in thirty is one too many.

License & Registration, Please

It makes sense for some people to have a license to do their jobs. Doctors, for example. It’s nice to know they know what they’re doing. For other jobs, it really makes no sense to need a license. Who is going to be hurt by an unlicensed florist (yes, that is actually required some places), for example?

Virginia has joined 12 other states in requiring a license to become an art therapist, because of the dangerous nature of glue and scissors. No, seriously. The Virginia Board of Health argued:

basic art tools, such as paint and glue, which contain toxic chemicals that could cause harm should they be inhaled or ingested, scissors which have sharp edges capable of causing cuts or punctures, and objects such as clay, if thrown, could be considered potentially dangers.

The report recommends a Master’s Degree in art therapy.

Verdict: Keep in mind that one already needs a license to be a therapist, so this is just some additional nonsense. If scissors and glue require government involvement, we are completely doomed.

But Why?

This model has taken London fashion week by storm…with her unibrow.

Unibrowed model Sophia Hadjipanteli defies beauty standards and stuns at London Fashion Weekhttps://t.co/tDkPb2bpjx pic.twitter.com/87vb0A1zC9

— Mirror Celeb (@MirrorCeleb) February 20, 2020

Verdict: I’m all for a healthy body image, but a little waxing is your friend. Acting as though everything is beautiful means nothing is beautiful and we are, therefore, doomed.

Kid Hero

A 5-year-old in Georgia rescued his entire family from a house fire. He got his baby sister out, then the dog, then went next door for help. All eight family members (and the dog!) are safe and sound.

Verdict: Maybe the kids are alright after all and we’re not doomed.

In the final analysis…

It’s been a rough week, but I  think we’re safe. Doom is not imminent.