Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
It’s Raining What?
Florida is a weird place and, when it gets cold, weird things happen. Like week, for example, when frozen iguanas started falling out of trees. They will thaw out though, so they’re not dead.
Jan 21 – This isn't something we usually forecast, but don't be surprised if you see Iguanas falling from the trees tonight as lows drop into the 30s and 40s. Brrrr! #flwx #miami pic.twitter.com/rsbzNMgO01
— NWS Miami (@NWSMiami) January 21, 2020
Verdict: Live, frozen iguanas are falling out of the sky. I know the Bible said “frogs” but could this have been a translation issue? This sounds plaguey to me.
Planter’s brand has killed off Mr. Peanut and will hold his funeral in the form of a Super Bowl commercial.
He died in most heroic fashion.
— Baby Nut (@MrPeanut) January 22, 2020
I have to say, I did enjoy other brands getting in on the social media frenzy.
We, too, would sacrifice it all for the nut #RIPeanut (a real one).
— SNICKERS (@SNICKERS) January 22, 2020
Help us give a 21 dunk salute to our nutty and sweet friend #RIPeanut
— OREO Cookie (@Oreo) January 22, 2020
Just as we began to celebrate getting our page back from the squirrels, we were hit with the saddest news. Mr. Peanut was a selfless legume-man who gave the office pups peanut butter many a time, and his hourglass-shaped presence will be missed. Rest easy, @MrPeanut #RIPeanut pic.twitter.com/FLh666EaNi
— BarkBox (@barkbox) January 22, 2020
— Mr. Clean (@RealMrClean) January 22, 2020
— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) January 22, 2020
Gone, but not forgotten. pic.twitter.com/c6s7vSgEwi
— NASCAR (@NASCAR) January 22, 2020
— SKIPPY Peanut Butter (@Skippy) January 22, 2020
— Chock full o'Nuts (@chockfullonuts) January 22, 2020
— StarKist (@StarKistCharlie) January 22, 2020
Pouring a Peanut Butter Shake out for the homie. #RIPeanut
— Sonic Drive-In (@sonicdrivein) January 22, 2020
He was the crispety to our crunchety. #RIPeanut, old friend.
— Butterfinger (@Butterfinger) January 22, 2020
It’s what’s under the shell that counts. You will be missed Mr. Peanut 😭 #RIPeanut
— Klondike (@Klondikebar) January 22, 2020
— Nesquik (@Nesquik) January 22, 2020
— Georgia Tech (@GeorgiaTech) January 22, 2020
And then Pop Tarts had to go and make it weird.
No, he's dead. Thank you for checking in though. https://t.co/uZNNHEMZXl
— Baby Nut (@MrPeanut) January 22, 2020
Verdict: I’m reserving judgement on this. Why kill of an icon more than a century in the making? It got you a news cycle, but now what? Will he come back to life at the Super Bowl? Will we find out he had a nutty son that will take over? Time will tell.
This ridiculous bike invention wants to keep you dry pic.twitter.com/AkTzx5O48Y
— Mashable (@mashable) January 19, 2020
Verdict: If you’d rather do this than get wet, you’re doomed.
Or you could not.
Word got around that testicles have taste receptors, so now men are dipping them into soy sauce to check. I don’t know why soy sauce, and I’m not googling it to find out. Here are a bunch of Tik Toks on the subject should that be something you want to see. Vaya con dios.
Verdict: Totally doomed.
Elders Not Welcome
Elders have always been a respected part of religious life. Well, not for this Minnesota Church that is quite literally banning old people to attract younger congregants. The olds can come back in a few months once they’ve got cool young people fully entrenched in the church community.
Verdict: Have these people read the Bible? Do they know anything about Jesus? This is just gross and we are doomed if this is how religious institutions think they should act.
Parking Lot Pooper
I’m glad she was caught?
— New York Post (@nypost) January 23, 2020
Verdict: Yep, doomed.
For the Love of Dogs
A way to drink beer and help dogs? Count me in.
— WPLG Local 10 News (@WPLGLocal10) January 22, 2020
Verdict: I love it when people find new ways to help doggos. We’ll be ok.
I think we’re ok for another week!