Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Buckle up, because this week was a doozy.
Turkeys Take Over
Do you have any idea how mean and dumb turkeys are, because turkeys are both mean and dumb. Now, they’re terrorizing a New Jersey town, pecking at people, swarming cars, and damaging property.
So how’s your morning going? @News12NJ @AsburyParkPress pic.twitter.com/XCnoxdfYHD
— Todd Frazier (@FlavaFraz21) November 10, 2019
Verdict: This might be the New Jersey version of “plague of locusts,” which would mean that that state is doomed anyway. Let’s be honest, though, they already were.
Hockey is the Best Sport
In some sports (ahem basketball), a player will stub his toe and be out for several games. In hockey, you take a puck to the face, get the blood cleaned off the ice, and come back to finish the game.
Ouch. Fabbro takes a deflected puck to the mouth area. Hope he's ok, but taken to the Predators dressing room. #SJSharks | #Preds pic.twitter.com/fgmmzTeW8y
— Teal Town USA – A San Jose Sharks Podcast (@TealTownUSA) November 10, 2019
Verdict: We’re not doomed as long as people can suck it up to this level.
Salute to Veterans…Or Not.
It is a tradition at the University of Virginia to observe Veteran’s Day with a day-long vigil followed by a 21-gun salute. Not this year, though. They were afraid the shots would cause “panic” on campus.
Alum Brit Hume thought this made them a bunch of “pantywaists” and he’s not wrong.
As an alumnus, I am embarrassed. What pantywaists. https://t.co/9vMYRUzlUS
— Brit Hume (@brithume) November 11, 2019
Verdict: What’s depressing is that I can see their point. However, instead of letting jerks change our lives, warn the students, alert them that it’s happening, and honor the people who keep us safe and free. We’re doomed if we live in fear.
Seriously?
The mayor of San Francisco, a city where you pay an exorbitant amount of money to find human waste and dirty needles on the street, has been re-elected. I just have one question:
Verdict: It’s almost unfair to include San Francisco in here, because they’ve been doomed for a longtime, but this is doubling down on the doom, so here it is anyway.
You Know About Chick-Fil-A, Right?
Why is Popeye’s Chicken like the Hunger Games, you guys? Here are two videos from the past week. As I went to get the links, a new one came up. That’s how often beatdowns are happening at Popeye’s.
Incident One: The Bodyslam
POPEYES BODYSLAM: A Popeyes worker was charged with a felony after a 55-year-old customer, who is accused of using a racial slur, allegedly suffered a shattered elbow, six broken ribs and a broken leg when she was thrown onto the pavement outside the restaurant. (1/2) pic.twitter.com/b5Ie1E0elf
— FOX 10 Phoenix (@FOX10Phoenix) November 11, 2019
Incident Two: Over the Counter
https://twitter.com/JesseKellyDC/status/1195334467029741574
Incident Three: Drive-Through-Distaster
Can’t we just be like Sam?
11-year-old Sam just won free Chick-fil-A for a year.
I think we can all relate…
Learn more about the new Cheektowaga location at 11.@WGRZ pic.twitter.com/fL1LbRGNYA
— Leanne Stuck (@LeanneStuck) November 14, 2019
Verdict: Popeye’s needs to get it’s house in order but, as long as Chick-Fil-A is winning the chicken wars, we’re all going to have a blessed day.
I’m Sorry, What?
Just…this tweet.
Have you ever smeared poop on a bike, scooter, or other vehicle? If so, I want to talk to you for a story. We can discuss terms of anonymity. My DMs are open or you can email kurzius (at) wamu . org
— Rachel Kurzius (@Curious_Kurz) November 12, 2019
Verdict: Probably.
I’m Sorry, WHAT?
I don’t know how to say this delicately, so I’m just going to tell you. Somebody was walking along the Hollywood Walk of Fame and a homeless person came up and poured a bucket hot diarrhea on her. Just click that link if you want more details, because I can’t talk about it.
Verdict: See San Francisco, apply it to Los Angeles. Same thing.
Be Thankful
Joy Reid (who, like Joy Behar, has never felt Joy), is mad at Thanksgiving.
Verdict: Her family is doomed for sure. The rest of us are only if we buy into this.
Gender Reveal Gone Wrong
I’m the kind of old-fashioned girl who thinks that the perfect time to find out your baby’s gender is when said baby is born, and then you can “reveal” it to your friends and family. You don’t need a gender reveal party, a baby shower, a sprinkle, and whatever else you’re doing for attention (sorry, we all know the unnecessary events are for attention, your secret code has been cracked). Last week, a small plane crashed (everyone was ok, thankfully) while trying to dump 350 gallons of pink water from the sky for a gender reveal. If you have to do something, can you just do cupcakes with your family or something? Clearly, the need to make this into an event is going to get someone killed. Because this is 2019, that’s not an exaggeration.
Verdict: Another reason social media is going to do us in. Doomed for sure.
Gender Reveal Goes RIGHT
Crash a plane if you must, but why did anyone even think of this? And then do it. And then put the video on the internet.
https://twitter.com/lenarios27/status/1194283123405656065
Verdict: If the Lord doesn’t take us out now, I have questions.
I’m Judging Them
In other fast food related violence, three judges in Indiana went to an educational conference where they ended the evening closing down a strip club and getting into a brawl at White Castle.
Verdict: If the midwest has been infected by this, we’ve got problems.
Gross.
While I wish the woman above had underpants on, would be worse if they weren’t even clean? A recent survey has shown that almost half of Americans wear the same pair of underpants for two days in a row or more. Why? What are you people doing out there?
Verdict: Very doomed.
This is How You Do Veteran’s Day
Verdict: Chris Pratt is too pure for this world, but maybe he can help to make it one that isn’t doomed.
Twin Miracle
These twins were born at 23 weeks weighing less than a pound each, and now they’re thriving. After more than four months in intensive care, Ashley and Joe are their mama’s “bouncing little miracles.”
Verdict: New life, hope, and miracles. Maybe we’re going to be ok after all.
Dogs, Hockey, AND Supporting our Military?
I could pass out from the convergence of these three wholesome things.
Verdict: Everyone who doesn’t love this is doomed.
Forever Home
I’m not crying, you’re crying. And I’m also crying.
This good boy was abused and then abandoned. Now rescued – this is his first ride to his new home.
Dogs, bruh…💪🐶😍😇😉pic.twitter.com/zDFMV7H5Xz
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) November 14, 2019
Verdict: If every person would strive to deserve dogs, we’d be fine.
So, we’ve escaped full doom for another week, but we inch ever closer. Go snuggle a dog and save us all.
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