Welcome back to my new column in which I take a look back at the week’s news and try to determine if we are, in fact, doomed.
Can’t Rule Out Eating Babies
An AOC event took a turn towards the doom this week when an audience member suggested we curb global warming by eating human babies.
While I understand that this woman is part of a bizarre political cult, the fact of the matter is that AOC didn’t bother to say “nah.” She said it was because she believed this woman to be “in crisis” and didn’t want to upset her. Maybe she’s in crisis because people keep telling her the world is about to end and we’re all going to die.
The only thing about this that made me think we’re not completely doomed is that it got “Jonathan Swift” trending.
VERDICT: Totally doomed
Unsexy Vegans Doing Unsexy Things
Here’s what I know about this story. I know nothing else about it, I don’t want to know anything else about it, and I don’t need to know anything else about it.
A 37-year-old West Hollywood man legally named Sexy Vegan appeared in court Friday and denied an allegation of sexually assaulting his pet pit bull and posting an image of the act on social media earlier this month, authorities said. https://t.co/2s8fnViEpH
— KTLA (@KTLA) September 28, 2019
VERDICT: People who hurt animals are automatically doomed, and we are doomed for sharing an Earth with this man. The only glimmer of hope is that everyone agrees this behavior is unacceptable.
The Worst Wedding Theme?
I realize I am old and boring, but it remains true that the only theme a wedding needs is “holy matrimony.” That doesn’t mean that the occasional theme is still fantastic (I’m going to a wedding in April 2020 that promises to be perfect), but most just detract from the point of what you’re there to do. That applies to novelty photos as well, which I’ve written about before.
For example, these joyless scolds could have just celebrated instead of being joyless scolds.
— New York Post (@nypost) October 3, 2019
From what I understand, the bridesmaids put on these outfits, they took the picture, and then the whole thing was photoshopped to look like it was in front of “the hanging wall” where corporal punishment takes place during the story.
They were hoping the photo would go viral because people who think like this crave attention. I mean, because they longed for people to have deep and meaningful discussions.
Verdict: Mixed bag, actually. People need to stop acting like the Handmaid’s Tale is even close to happening, make weddings about marriage, and stop with the attention-seeking wedding photos. Then again, this photo was pretty widely mocked online. 50/50 doom here.
Hockey Continues To Be The Best Sport
You may recall 11 year-old Laila Anderson, a St Louis Blues superfan who is battling a life-threatening illness. She was with the team when they stunk, as they rose, and they brought her to Boston for the final game when they won the Stanley Cup. Heck, they brought her on the ice with them to give it a kiss.
And now this.
— St. Louis Blues (@StLouisBlues) October 1, 2019
Verdict: No doom in sight.
Holocaust Survivors Find Family
These Romanian octogenarians thought they’d lost their entire families in the Holocaust. Then they found each other, and the long-lost cousins were reunited.
Verdict: The internet did something good. We’re not doomed!
Loving Like Christ
The story of Botham Jean’s death is not one in which I expected to find anything beautiful. As you probably know, Dallas Police Officer Amber Guyger accidentally entered Jean’s apartment thinking it was her own and, thinking him an intruder, fatally shot him. She was found guilty of murder on Tuesday. Guyger is white and Jean was black, a dynamic that resulted in threats of violence in the city. People were braced for the worst.
At the sentencing, however, Botham’s 18 year-old brother Brandt showed the world how to live and love like Christ in a way most of us have never seen. Most of us carry the burden of unforgiveness for far lesser offenses. Christian or not, we can all learn invaluable lessons from this young man of exceptional character.
Verdict: Anything else could have happened this week, and this man would have convinced me that we are not doomed. He gives me more than enough hope that we’re going to be ok.
For Your Considoomation:
- This woman who tried to disguise her meth as a hair bow
- Universal Studios firing a guy for making the OK hand sign, which was recently added to a list of hate symbols. I think it’s pretty clear the person in the costume was playing the circle game (which the mom could also complain about if she was that into getting Gru fired).
- Move over, Tide pods, those wacky kids are eating vape cartridges now.
- This new term for Asians
- This miserable human being who won’t let non-influencers in his life