All bank robberies are not created equal.
Personally, I prefer my heist stories with a pinch of panache.
Apropos, per a Department of Justice press release, a thief in Lubbock, Texas, was recently sentenced.
According to the report, Eric Dion Warren pleaded guilty in August to stealing from a Wolfforth AIM Bank.
Evidently, he walked up to the window with a note and a paper, fast-food bag.
The message, exactly as written:
“This is a f—— robbery. Play with me and die. I want $10,000 in 50 and 100 dollar bills now you got 1 minute or I will kill you.”
Eric brandished what he brought: a pistol, apparently.
He told the teller, “I ain’t playing around, I only want 100’s and 50’s.”
She collected the cash, which included strapped $20 bills.
Printed upon those Andrew Jacksons: recorded serial numbers.
The teller stuck the stash in his sack, after which Eric warned, “Don’t push any buttons.”
And away he went — with thousands of dirty dollars.
But the backstory, perhaps, is more compelling than the crime.
As it turns out, the convict’s a lover of luxury.
Hence, he’d previously dropped by a dealership and picked out a black BMW.
While the dealership worked up the sale, Eric was lent a car.
Surely with visions of that beautiful Beamer in mind, the soon-to-be new car owner headed to the bank in his dealership loaner — presumably with dealership tags — to steal the money to make his down payment to buy a car from that same dealership.
Fifteen minutes following the felony, he returned to the purveyor of fine foreign machinery with a fistful of funds, waving the wad in the air.
A transfer of ownership was imminent.
In the finance office, Eric handed over 3,000 smackeroos.
Down payment, done.
Unfortunately for the car customer, while he was readying to rock the new ride, a dealership employee fielded a call.
The reason for the ring: news of a bank robbery.
That staffer realized the vehicle’s description matched the one Eric had borrowed.
Fast forward past quick contact with the cops, and the pending purchaser was arrested with $5,086 in lifted loot.
The serial numbers, of course, confirmed he’d committed the crime.
Additionally, police picked up a painted pellet gun approximately 10 feet from where he was apprehended.
Proof was further powered by the twin engines of both a fingerprint and DNA match.
Of course, if you have to choose between robbing a bank and not, the latter is always advised.
But I have to hand it to him: The guy did it with daring.
The convicted culprit was sentenced to 20 years in a federal penitentiary.
-ALEX
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