There’s a fashionista fire in your furnace, and you know you’re burning for the hottest new in-style item.
At a time when being safe is all the rage, the pandemic shouldn’t mean you can’t still turn heads on the runway — or at the no-dining-in McDonald’s, along 6-foot-distancing lines outside your Beware-of-the-Dog-sign-selling Walmart, amid a gun store appointment to acquire that red-dotted AR, or in the unemployment line.
Indeed, whether you’re putting out the fire at your regrettably-located business or having an 18-inch swab attempt migration from your nostril to your pituitary gland, everyone wants to look good.
You’ve just gotta have it, so why not sell a 50-pack of hollow points and use the dough to don that trendiest of all fall fashion? You’re gonna look like a million bucks high-stepping over street-strewn piles of human feces.
I’m talking, of course, about Louis Vuitton’s latest and most desirable offering, a $961 face shield.
As reported by the New York Post, the outrageously awesome ornament guaranteed to give you that half-human-cannonball-accident-victim, half-oral-surgeon vibe you’ve been dying for will go on sale October 30th — just in time for, well, you know.
But you’ll need to make sure where to shop — the cranial craft will only be offered at select LV locations as part of their 2021 Cruise Collection.
In a statement, the French label called the shield “an eye-catching headpiece, both stylish and protective.”
Louis Vuitton designed a luxury face shield for nearly $1K https://t.co/eSwHvajgw0 pic.twitter.com/pP9hxjzeIt
— New York Post (@nypost) September 11, 2020
Per CNN, the fancy facemask’s downright versatile:
The “eye-catching” LV Shield transitions from clear to dark in sunlight, protecting wearers from the sun. It also features golden studs engraved with Louis Vuitton’s brand name and an elastic, monogrammed headband. The visor can also be worn upward as a classic peaked cap, according to the label.
And if you find you really love it, you can start a collection.
From The Daily Wire:
LV isn’t the only retailer offering high-end COVID-19 wear. Burberry recently announced a new line of face masks that will sell for about $115, and Off-White also has masks that run about $100, TMZ reports. Balenciaga and Dolce & Gabbana, too, will offer face coverings in similar price ranges.
Plus, if you’re sportin’ any of those uber-elegant cranial-caging windshields of woe, the CDC’s on your side.
Wait — sorry — no, they’re not.
From the Center’s website:
A face shield is primarily used for eye protection for the person wearing it. At this time, it is not known what level of protection a face shield provides to people nearby from the spray of respiratory droplets from the wearer. There is currently not enough evidence to support the effectiveness of face shields for source control. Therefore, CDC does not currently recommend use of face shields as a substitute for masks.
Oh, well. At least you’ll look…good.
In her review, Slate writer Shannon Palus veritably raved:
[It looks] kind of nice, at least to the extent that something that is 97 percent plastic can. It’s trimmed with leather. The part that secures it to the wearer’s head looks sort of like a headband, and less like something that was jury-rigged by a chemical technician.
So there ya go.
You know you want it, so you might as well get it.
After all — we’re not promised tomorrow.
And here in 2020, that expression means more than ever before.
Way, way more.
See more pieces from me:
Man’s Penis Falls Off, Doctor Adds One to His Arm
Fangs a Lot, 2020: Libertarian Presidential Candidate Cancels Campaign Stop After Being Bitten by a Bat
Man Refrains From Marrying Woman, Owes Millions in Spousal Support
Find all my RedState work here.
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