Accidents — we’ve all had ’em. 

I once spilled an entire plate of food onto the carpet. A friend of mine inadvertently set her house on fire. 

A man in China accidentally shoved a large fish up his rectum.

Like I said — it’s the tie that binds.

As for that last example, a 30-year-old complaining of stomach pain recently made a splash at the ER.

According to the Daily Mail, he told medical staff he’d unintentionally sat on a fish and — thanks to the human condition — holy mackerel: The finned, gill-bearing creature had glided fully on up through his perineal porthole like a dolphin through a hoop at Sea World. 

And unfortunately, the fish made for a shoddy Shamu — it wouldn’t come back out, no matter how hard its involuntary trainer tried.

Out of options, he enlisted the help of surgeons, who opened his belly and Freed Willy — which, as per Guangdong Television — was “quite big.”

Grisly online footage documents the dead sea creature’s removal, which is believed to have occurred last Tuesday.

A nurse in the video can be heard exclaiming, “It stinks so much!”

China’s no stranger to unusual abdominal intrusion. The Mail reports a 68-year-old man decided to inspect his behind after developing hemorrhoids.

His instrument of choice: a metal chopstick. 

Doctors had to excavate that, too.

Back to Asia’s most innovative fisherman, the man’s acquired aquatic animal was reportedly a blue tilapia, which normally spans 12-16 inches in length.

Personally, I think it may’ve been another kind of chum that cha-cha’d between his cheeks.

It could’ve been a smelt.

Not on my watch! I see your birds and raise you species #372 Jacksmelt (Atherinopsis californiensis). It’s neither a jack nor a smelt, but a really large silverside! They’ve got such cute, tiny mouths! #GottaCatchEmAll #TeamFish pic.twitter.com/eGNKuNRm0o

— Noah Bressman, PhD (@NoahwithFish) June 5, 2020

Or a whiff.

Born to stink — the weirdo whiff fish. pic.twitter.com/GRBWZcxaLA

— Alex Parker (@alexparker1984) June 9, 2020

Or — depending on your accent — a sheatfish.

Those wary of his story might even suspect he was trying to catch a tonguefish.

Our #whatfishwednesday is….drum roll please 🥁🥁🥁…the #tonguefish!! Genus: Symphurus. These flatfish are characterized by merged dorsal, anal, & caudal fins, no pectoral fins and no lateral line. Also cute little eyes both on the same side of their bodies. 📷: @NOAAFisheries pic.twitter.com/2dKTY0Hhvf

— Shelby Ziegler (@slziegler220) March 6, 2019

Regardless, thank goodness it wasn’t a threespine stickleback or a sharpnose puffer.

And thank heavens it didn’t have a hook in it.

Some, of course, might assume the crack-shot critter was a crappie.

Nevertheless, I see absolutely no way around it — there’s only one kind of fish it surely was:

@Ben_garrod There's always the Aholehole… pic.twitter.com/MKMuhA5rEG

— Sarah Louise Cleary (@sarahlou_iorua) September 24, 2015

Juvenile āholehole make up most of the native fish biomass in Hawaii estuaries; threatened by competition from invasive kanda. #nremseminar pic.twitter.com/8duOqgh9Bu

— Casey Ching (@cching10) October 13, 2016

-ALEX

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