Tail of the Sea: Man Complains of Stomach Pain, Doctors Find a Large Fish in His Rectum

(AP Photo/Philip Marcelo)

 

Accidents — we’ve all had ’em. 

I once spilled an entire plate of food onto the carpet. A friend of mine inadvertently set her house on fire. 

A man in China accidentally shoved a large fish up his rectum.

Like I said — it’s the tie that binds.

As for that last example, a 30-year-old complaining of stomach pain recently made a splash at the ER.

According to the Daily Mail, he told medical staff he’d unintentionally sat on a fish and — thanks to the human condition — holy mackerel: The finned, gill-bearing creature had glided fully on up through his perineal porthole like a dolphin through a hoop at Sea World. 

And unfortunately, the fish made for a shoddy Shamu — it wouldn’t come back out, no matter how hard its involuntary trainer tried.

Out of options, he enlisted the help of surgeons, who opened his belly and Freed Willy — which, as per Guangdong Television — was “quite big.”

Grisly online footage documents the dead sea creature’s removal, which is believed to have occurred last Tuesday.

A nurse in the video can be heard exclaiming, “It stinks so much!”

China’s no stranger to unusual abdominal intrusion. The Mail reports a 68-year-old man decided to inspect his behind after developing hemorrhoids.

His instrument of choice: a metal chopstick. 

Doctors had to excavate that, too.

Back to Asia’s most innovative fisherman, the man’s acquired aquatic animal was reportedly a blue tilapia, which normally spans 12-16 inches in length.

Personally, I think it may’ve been another kind of chum that cha-cha’d between his cheeks.

It could’ve been a smelt.

Or a whiff.

Or — depending on your accent — a sheatfish.

Those wary of his story might even suspect he was trying to catch a tonguefish.

Regardless, thank goodness it wasn’t a threespine stickleback or a sharpnose puffer.

And thank heavens it didn’t have a hook in it.

Some, of course, might assume the crack-shot critter was a crappie.

Nevertheless, I see absolutely no way around it — there’s only one kind of fish it surely was:

-ALEX

 

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