Criminally Bright: Robbers Try to Outsmart a Masked World by Wearing Watermelons On Their Heads

AP featured image
In this May 31, 2016 photo, pieces of watermelon litter the trash area of the Coche public market in Caracas, Venezuela. Staples such as corn flour and cooking oil are subsidized, costing pennies at the strongest of two official exchange rates. But fruit and vegetables have become an unaffordable luxury for many Venezuelan families. (AP Photo/Fernando Llano)


As I covered May 16th, the proliferation of public face-covering has made it much easier to commit robberies — masked bandits look no different than anyone else until it’s too late for victims to react.

As it turns out, though, two central Virginia men missed my article.

Subsequently, rather than walking into a Sheetz convenience store with undetectable intent, the criminal masterminds covered their melons…with melons.

That’s right — rather than taking the incognito route, two titans of strategy entered a store they planned to rob — an activity normally best accomplished without drawing attention to oneself beforehand — with giant watermelons on their heads.

On. Their. Whole. Heads.

Guess they weren’t expecting any problems — I can only assume it’s difficult to see out of two small holes carved into a slimy fruit rotting by the second all over your face.

But props to the antioxidating outlaws — they were actually able to pocket a few things.

UPI reports:

The Louisa Police Department said two men wearing hollowed-out watermelons as masks stole undisclosed items from a Sheetz grocery store about 9:25 p.m. May 6.


Ohhh, that was the problem — they wore the watermelons before I wrote my article.

Anyway, the rind-rockin’ robbers were caught on camera, as was their stolen black 2006 Toyota Tacoma.

And despite the huge helmets, cops announced Sunday they’d made an arrest in the case.

Assuming the team wasn’t comprised of Mensa members, I feel sure it’s only a matter of time before the melon’d felon rats out his partner in produce.

I wonder how they caught the guy…maybe they sniffed around for any dudes who smelled like Lip Smackers.

Or perhaps they just searched for a couple of morons.

Either way, thank goodness no one was hurt — fortunately for the looters, Officer Gallagher wasn’t on patrol:


[For Facebook Fact-Checkers: “Officer Gallagher” couldn’t have been on patrol, because the comedian Gallagher is not a police officer.]




See a few more pieces from me:

Party Like It’s 1799: Cops Bust Up an Amish Barn Bash for Violating Ohio’s Stay-at-Home Order

The Moron Olympics: Two Men Are Awarded Terrorist Charges for Licking Items in Walmart and Coughing on a Store Employee

Absolutely Hilarious: After Sports Are Canceled, a Professional Commentator Takes to Narrating Mundane Daily Life for Your Pleasure

Hilarious: In Response to Social Distancing, a Las Vegas Strip Club Opens a Drive-Thru

Super Genius: A Man on Twitter Illustrates How to Still Get Your Exercise Amid CoronaPanic Gym Closures (Video)

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