Thanks to the Wuhan Coronavirus, 77-Year-Old Joe Goes High-Tech With Virtual Rallies - and I Have Major Advice

AP Photo/Chris Carlson

Democratic presidential candidate former Vice President Joe Biden speaks at a primary election night campaign rally Tuesday, March 3, 2020, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)




Well, the coronavirus seems to have everyone canceling everything, but far be it from Joe Biden to stop pluggin’ away.

Therefore, the 77-year-old’s going high-tech.

Joe may not be able to get his name straight or figure out what state he’s in, but the guy’s coming atcha through the internet — for campaign events that would’ve taken place in Chicago and Orlando.

Being in Chicago could certainly offer some degree of risk — Illinois currently boasts 25 confirmed cases of Wuhan, and Chi-Town is the windy city.

But that doesn’t mean he’s blowin’ ’em off.

As reported by MSN, the former VP will instead hold “virtual campaign” events for Florida and Illinois, ahead of their primaries next Tuesday — at which point he hopes to trounce poor Bernie Sanders.

This past Tuesday, both Biden and Bern called off events in Cleveland, thanks to COVID-19.

Joe may not be well, but he’s all about the health of the nation. Hence, his campaign announced Wednesday the formation of a Public Health Advisory Committee to guide us into beating the virus.

You’re welcome — I know you feel better now.

And I’m sure you could use it — there’s certainly a good bit of chaos going on in light of the illness — financial markets have taken a hit, and Walmart’s out of toilet paper (see a Not Suitable for Work, potentially offensive guide here, if you dare).


Nevertheless. Joe aims to wipe the…floor with his political rivals.

As MSN put it:

The planned virtual campaign events are the latest example of how candidates are coping with the spread of a virus that has put the U.S. and the rest of the world on high alert.


But how much energy can get stirred from a bunch of people sitting alone, looking at their laptops and phones at the same time and trying to rally their political hearts out?

I’m thinking, if I had to guess…none.

However, in the case of Biden in particular, this is less turning lemons into lemonade and more spinning them into gold: The guy’s got an incredible opportunity, with a solid excuse in place.

My advice to Joe:

Listen, man. Like you’ve never listened before.

Don’t go live.

Pre-tape yourself.

If anyone in the history of politics ever needed to edit content before its release, it’s you.

You’ve won the lottery here; no more in-the-moment leg hair stories (here) or talk of Obiden-Bama democrats (here).

And if you can possibly in any way avoid it, don’t tell anyone they’re full of sh** and about to be assaulted.


Joe needs to take advantage of this delayed-broadcast opportunity. So far, he’s just been biden his time. And it hasn’t turned out well.

But well or not, Tuesday approaches — along with two of the biggest prizes in the primaries so far.

For Florida at least, polls put Joe in the hefty lead.

But if he goes live, good Lord, there’s no telling what’ll happen.

Honestly, I hope it is live; let’s give bullied Bern his due.

But if Joe wants to excel, he should take his entire rally presentation (and not just these two) and put it where all that toilet paper went: in the can.



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