Existence Doesn't Exist: House Managers Insist Trump Was Never Acquitted

Image courtesy of geralt from Pixabay

Image courtesy of geralt from Pixabay



In an interview with Anderson Cooper Friday, seven House managers revealed that they live in an alternate universe. And in their world, Trump wasn’t acquitted.


The transportational technology they’re working with: the fact that the trial in the Senate just wasn’t dadgum fair.

So let’s break it down: The Democrats, with very weak ammunition, tried to shoot to smithereens the Republican president’s White House residency by putting that process A) wholly in the hands of themselves, via the House, and then — just as critical to their success — B) wholly in the hands of Republicans, via the Senate.


I recall where I was: in the shampoo aisle at Walmart. I got the news — “The Democrats are going to impeach Trump over a call to Ukraine.”

“Oh,” I thought. “They’ll convict him in the House and then the Senate will acquit him.”

Then I bought Pert Plus.

If I could predict the outcome while choosing between Moisture Renewal and Scalp Revitalization, why couldn’t the DNC?

And now Joe Biden = covered in mud.

Get that guy some Pert.

Back to CNN, California Rep. Zoe Lofgren laid it out:

“I think he’s not been exonerated.”

Count Colorado Rep. Jason Crow in:

“It’s hard to have an acquittal without a fair trial.”

Jason believes America’s walking around going, “Hey, wait a minute — what the crap??”

“And this was the first impeachment trial in American history where we didn’t have witnesses and documents. And I think the American people realize that, because — as we sit here right now — there are thousands of Americans walking into courthouses across the country, and they’re taking their oath, and they’re going to be sitting as jurors in trials. And they’re going to hear from witnesses and documents. And they’re asking themselves why Washington and Donald Trump should be any different. And, of course, the answer is: It shouldn’t. And they understand that.”


Jerry Nadler lives on Planet Somewhere Else, too:

“He’s not been exonerated.”

But Jerry must also shop at Walmart:

“We…knew going in…that they were never gonna vote…against the President, no matter what the evidence. … And there were discussions that maybe we shouldn’t do it…but we had to do it because we had to set markers. … You had to vindicate the Constitution.”

Florida Rep. Val Demings is sticking to a river in Egypt:

“Well, and back to the acquittal part of this, I would consider that fake news, because we did not have a fair trial. … The President is not exonerated today.”

Zoe must shop at CVS — Congress Votes the Same:

“I actually thought that it was possible to convict. Because our evidence was so strong and the activity engaged in was so wrong. … [I] had hopes.”

They’ve got this all wrong. According to a pervasive narrative — in the same world as the one in which acquittal didn’t happen — the 2016 election wasn’t legitimate to start with.

Don’t they know? Hillary won.

Donald Trump is just some guy. If they wanna impeach the president, they’ll have to scrounge up some dirt on Hillary. If anyone’s ever able to find any.




See 3 more pieces from me:

Drowning in Politics: Cosmo Cans Its Covergirl Over a Sea of Racism, and There’s No Way She Can Definned Herself

Pete Buttigieg Doubles Down: You’re Racist, and You’re the Perfect Person to Vote for Him

The World Gets a Little Uglier: Former CNN Host Asks If We’re Better Off with Hateful Racist Rush Limbaugh Dead

Find all my RedState work here.

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