Have you ever, like the A-Team, been accused of a crime you didn’t commit?
Such an ordeal happened to a window fitter Sunday in jolly ol’ England.
As reported by The Scottish Sun, Steve Whitehurst was minding his own business in Scott’s Menswear when he was confronted by the establishment’s female manager.
And why? According to Steve — who was shopping with his girlfriend and her grandson — she wanted him to explain the giant lump.
In his pants.
I’ll let the Sun do a bit of the heavy rolling…I mean, lifting:
Steve, who claims he often has to roll up his manhood, said, “I had very tight jeans on that day and there was a bulge, yes, but that’s not illegal. I can’t help the way I’m made.”
Apparently, the supervisor and other employees were skeptical of his huge claim. Was he being honest, or tellin’ a whopper?
“The manager started arguing with me. She wouldn’t let it go. I just kept telling her that it was my penis.”
Desperate times call for desperate…measures. And Steve was willing to go to great lengths.
“Eventually, I dropped my trousers in front of everyone and just stood there in my boxer shorts and said, ‘See, I’ve got nothing to hide.'”
But the manager still wouldn’t relent.
“What’s that bulge?!”
Finally, Steve had had enough, so he decided to prove he had too much.
He walked with a male security guard to a cubicle.
Steve revealed the truth to the staff by revealing the staff of truth.
“I dropped my boxers. [The security guard] shook his head and ran out and spoke with the manager. I heard her say, ‘Please tell me he’s got something down there,’ and the guy said, ‘No.’”
Oh — he’s got somethin’ down there alright.
But he didn’t appreciate having to prove it.
The 47-year-old called it the “craziest experience of [his] life.” He’s since complained to the chain’s owner, JD Sports.
His girlfriend, Mandy, thinks it’s nuts that the manager was such a dingaling:
“It was so humiliating. What they did to Steve was disgusting.”
However, JD Sports told the Sun the severely anatomically-correct shoplifting suspect was acting suspicious:
“The customer in question was exhibiting suspicious behaviour and, when the store manager confronted the customer, he became abusive.”
One shop worker thought Steve got quite teste– testy:
“When they cornered him, he became very abusive.”
And they weren’t impressed with his full disclosure:
“He then dropped his trousers, but the bulge was much smaller than staff remembered it.”
That’s a bit hard to believe — see for yourself here.
As one witness put it:
“Staff had good grounds to suspect him.”
Yes, they did.
I’m just thankful Beto O’Rourke was nowhere near — if he’d seen that Steve was carrying such a big gun, he’d probably have tried to grab it.
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