Unearthed Young Beto Poem Asks the Reader to 'Wax [His] A**' & 'Scrub [His] B*lls'

By Alex Parker | 8:00 PM on March 15, 2019

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In the mood for a poem? I’m not.

But here’s one, courtesy of Beto O’Rourke. It’s from 1988, and Beto wrote it while in the hacking group “Cult of the Dead Cow.”

As RedState’s Brandon Morse covered previously, he also wrote murder fantasies. But here’s a real humdinger of a rhyme just in time for that special someone, on the occasion of an anniversary or just to let them know you care.

Teenage Beto was writing under the cool pseudonym “Psychedelic Warlord” when he appears to have published — according to this page — the deeply romantic “Song of the Cow.”

Don’t just read it; feel it.

Interpret as you wish:

I need a butt-shine,
Right now
You are holy,
Oh, sacred Cow
I thirst for you,
Provide Milk.

Buff my b*lls,
Love the Cow,
Good fortune for those that do.
Love me, breathe my feet,
The Cow has risen.

Wax my a**,
Scrub my b*lls.
The Cow has risen,
Provide Milk.

Oh, Milky wonder, sing for us once more,
Live your life, everlusting joy.
Thrust your hooves up my analytic passage,
Enjoy my fruits

Provider of Cheese and other wonderful dairy products,
We will cleanse your inner intestines.
We will bathe in your Pungent Odor,
Gather cotton.

Count my eyes,
Smell my skin,
Love the Scarecrow and the Milkman.
I live only for eternity,
Thirst for the undrinkable.
Hold the heat,
Praise the dough boy at the pizza shop.
Love the Oxen dung!

Thus spake SuperBeto, 2020 presidential candidate.

Breathe his feet.

-Alex

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