I don’t know how much time you spend outside, but word on the street is that men have something between their legs.

It’s something, I hear tell, substantial.

In the way.

Like furniture in a cramped room.

Sometimes, it’s the table upon which you continually stub your toe. Or the bohemoth you have to avoid in the dark, lets you knock over something important.

Whatever is there, it’s a mass — it has weight and takes up space.

Therefore, if you try to close legs on it, there may be a problem.

And it’s currently under attack. Ever-smaller airline seats are raging a violent war. And it doesn’t deserve the onslaught. It’s just trying to live its life, like anyone else.

But not to some women in 2018: they’re demanding that men should be able to close legs around their furniture the way women close legs on an empty room. The refusal to do so is now called “manspreading.”

It could also, incidentally, be called “being men.” Which is to say, “having…well, you know.”

Nevertheless, according the She-Woman Man Hating Club, machismo has got to go, so it seems natural that genitals will not be tolerated. And if both of those are true, then it stands to reason that manspreading must be thrown out into the alley like an impostor without a ticket to the big event.

To that end, feminist and Russian law student Anna Dovgalyuk has embarked on a crusade. Her particular journey to a better world involves pouring bleach on the crotches of men on the subway, minding their business and, uh, possessing…this:

Why attack guys minding their own business? To fight the power.

Why bleach? To make it whiter? At least it’ll be easier to avoid in the dark. Or find.

Dovgalyuk presents a documentary of sorts, in which she bleach-dumps the pride of over 60 men.

In the video manifesto, she describes her crotch concoction:

“This solution is 30 times more concentrated than the mixture used by housewives when doing the laundry. It eats colours in the fabric in a matter of minutes — leaving indelible stains.”

Ohhhh…so that’s why bleach.

It leaves a stain. Like the indelible stain of radical so-called feminism?

Why do so many citing feminism feel the need to also be dolts? (Like this, for crying out loud).

When did empowering women transition to hating men, excoriating men, and now — with not only crotch-bleaching, but instances such as unwarranted condemnation in the Brett Kavanaugh hearings (see here and here) and unjust attacks emboldened by Times’ Up and MeToo — abusing men?

Dovgalyuk is certainly embracing that transformation, calling manspreading a “disgusting act that is being fought around the world — but hushed up [in Russia].”

Her video includes a warning to all who have what men have:

“Men demonstrating their alpha-manhood in the subway with women and children around, deserve contempt. If you publicly show what kind of macho you are, we will publicly cool you off!”

I suggest Ms. Dovgalyuk buy a prosthetic penis and attach it to herself. Then spend the day trying to close her legs around it. Of course, it can’t simulate the pain and discomfort of having nerves attached to those parts. But it will also accomplish something else — given her famed Crotch Terrorism, it’s as close to a man as she’s likely to be able to get.

Thank you for reading! Pleeeeease sound off in the Comments section.

In case you missed the relevant RedState links in this article, please find them here, here, and here

For something completely different, please check out my write-ups of Margot Kidder & Superman, Amy Schumer not being virtuous, and Donald Trump’s third grade lashing.

Find all my RedState work here.

And please follow Alex Parker on Twitter and Facebook.