Hate to Burst Your Balloon, but Drinking Straws are Just the Beginning; Here's What's Next

The Left is out there fighting the good fight. Ridding the world of evil. Sockin’ it to Satan.

As I wrote recently, in this battle against the minions of hellfire, Democrats have raged against straws. You know — those cool, bendy things you enjoyed as a kid? And the only way to drink a thick milkshake while you drive (or at all)?

Gone.

So says Disney and others (please read here).

I declare myself a persecuted minority on this issue, and those of you who have no need for a tubular dispensation method for your liquid refreshment should check your privilege. While I pour every drink straight down my chin, and all over my shirt.

I’m triggered, just thinking about my future humiliation at restaurants…as I must pull out my from-home sippy cup.

And in that End of Days, there may well be another past iconic product missing from the societal sphere: balloons.

You know — those other things you loved as a kid? Well, they’re an environmental disaster. And they’re ’bout to go the way of the dodo bird, Jack!

So theorizes Steve Straub, at The Federalist Papers. I stumbled onto his piece last night, and I think he’s on to something:

“Now that plastic straws may be headed for extinction, could Americans’ love of balloons be deflated?

“The joyous celebration of releasing balloons into the air has long bothered environmentalists, who say the pieces that fall back to earth can be deadly to seabirds and turtles that eat them. So as companies vow to banish plastic straws, there are signs balloons will be among the products to get more scrutiny, even though they’re a very small part of environmental pollution.”

Yes. Sadly, it’s already happening. You shouldn’t throw rice, because birds could eat it and explode; and now, say goodbye to buoyancy at your weddings (plural, due to the divorce rate):

“This year, college football powerhouse Clemson University is ending its tradition of releasing 10,000 balloons into the air before games, a move that’s part of its sustainability efforts. In Virginia, a campaign that urges alternatives to balloon releases at weddings is expanding. And a town in Rhode Island outright banned the sale of all balloons earlier this year, citing the harm to marine life.”

Straub points out some fun substitutes:

“‘There are all kinds of alternatives to balloons, a lot of ways to express yourself,’ says Kenneth Lacoste, first warden of New Shoreham, Rhode Island, who cites posters, piñatas and decorated paper.”

Right. You know when you wanna really celebrate like crazy, to the tune of a massive spectacle? Well, that’s when you — of course — decorate paper.

Steve also notes that my home state is ready to burst my balloon:

“Balloon release restrictions are already in the books in some states and environmentalists are pushing hard to toughen the restrictions.
California has banned the sale of certain types of Balloons since the 1990’s and there is a major movement to make it the first state to outright ban the releasing of balloons into the air.”

He wraps with this handy piece of trivia:

“Balloons do not crack the top 10 pollutants in America.”

Nice.

Despite its war on balloons, I would bet my strawlessly escalated laundry budget that there’s one balloon some on the Left will no doubt love to see more of: