I’m Alex Parker, and I have a drinking problem.

I can’t do it.

I can’t…drink.

I can swim, and swallow the water I’m in.

I can slurp up some of the weak stream arching from a garden hose.

But I cannot drink.

From a glass.

But here’s what I can do: put liquid into a cup, and then pour it all down my chin and neck and shirt.

I’m Alex Parker, and I have a drinking problem.

And so, it is with deep, dark despair that I learn of the news:

The Walt Disney Company is removing all single-use plastic stirrers and straws from its facilities. They’ll all be gone by the middle of 2019. This includes every Disney location on the globe, with the exception of Disney Tokyo.

Note to self: learn to speak Japanese.

The Mouse’s move against hydration via suction will remove 175 million straws. And 13 million stirrers.

It will also significantly increase my laundry costs.

So will Starbucks’s anti-straw crusade, which affects 28,000 stores by 2020.

I suppose first dates for coffee will be made simpler: “Meet me at Starbucks. I’ll be the one wearing a bib.”

Bob Chapek, Chairman of Disney Parks, Experiences, and Consumer Products, bragged that the company is saving the world:

“Eliminating plastic straws and other plastic items are meaningful steps in our long-standing commitment to environmental stewardship. … These new global efforts help reduce our environmental footprint, and advance our long-term sustainability goals.”

I’m all for conservation, but this is ridiculous. I’m not the only one who needs a straw. There are, at least, you know…children.

So now, all the little tykes at Disney are gonna have colored cola all over ’em:

Disney plans to do more over the next several years than just ruin the consumption of fluids. For those enjoying Walt’s cruise ships and resorts, refillable amenities will take the place of disposable plastic.

And here’s one you could see coming a mile away — kiss goodbye those handy plastic shopping bags. The Mouse will, instead, offer…say it with me: “reusable bags, for purchase.”

But of course.

Dr M. Sanjayan, CEO of Conservation International, which has collaborated with Disney on environmental initiatives, and who very obviously maintains a leak-proof seal between his lips and round vessels filled with some combination of flavor and H20, said this:

“Today’s announcement is more than about reducing single-use plastic waste. It’s also about showing millions of kids and adults from around the world the many ways we can change our daily habits to care for the oceans and protect nature that sustains us all.”

As for that last sentence, the same could be said of eliminating toilet paper.

“It also builds on Disney’s longstanding commitment to conservation and environmental stewardship, a legacy that stretches from the highlands of Peru to the islands of the South Pacific.”

I’m sorry, but I can’t hear a thing he’s saying. All I hear is, “You’re going to be a mess.”

Anyway, I still love the Mouse. Look for me in Orlando, somewhere nearby the Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion or Animal Kingdom’s Kilimanjaro’s Safaris. I’ll be the one in the patriotic shirt. It started out as a plain white tee. But then this happened:

What do you think about this recent war on straws? McDonald’s has joined the fight, replacing plastic straws in Ireland and the UK with paper ones. Paper straws?? Please sound off in the Comments section below.

For something totally different, please check out my articles on the Left building a wall against truth, CNN and Trump’s impeachment, and New York’s reefer madness.

Find all my RedState work here.

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