Tonight the President delivered his State of the Union remarks. It was a grandiose speech with lofty ideals, delivered with all of the considerable rhetorical charms at his disposal, sure to go down in history as a prime exemplar of “how it’s done.” Wait .. hang on. I’ve just been informed that I was watching March of the Penguins. My bad. As it turns out, the President’s speech was pretty humdrum and more than a little silly in places, delivered with all the contrived bluster of his considerable self-regard and gift for delusion. Eh, close enough.

Nevertheless, in the spirit of togetherness and common purpose these speeches are known for, I will herein break down for you the five most important takeaways from tonight’s speech, in a list we will call “the five most important takeaways from tonight’s speech.”

NUMBER 5: It was boring
Erick called it “cheap fluff“, and indeed it was. The President’s speech drifted back and forth between trying to convince people he’s done a great job so far and delivering bland applause lines. Democrats were pretty pumped about his sassy tone, with Juan Williams in particular going giddy on Fox News, but overall the substance was enough to tempt everyone into pulling a Ruth Bader Ginsburg. From closing Gitmo to “oil is bad” to “middle class economics”, this was standard and oft-repeated fare.

NUMBER 4: We should close Gitmo … um, still
The President wants to fight “the bankrupt ideology of violent extremism” by closing down Gitmo. Because it is a “recruiting” tool for terrorists. Yes that old campaign promise from 2008 is still hanging around outside the school smoking a cigarette and saying “alright alright alright,” and the President is ready now/still/again to get the job done. “I will not relent in my determination to shut it down,” said President Obama. No I’m serious, he said he won’t relent. Like, out loud. Judging by past performance, I can only assume the bulk of the prisoners will be traded away in some kind of spectacular terrorism draft. I hope it’s on pay-per-view.

NUMBER 3: Middle Class Economics

"What does middle class economics mean?" Proceeds to say everything it does not mean. #SOTU

— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) January 21, 2015

The President delivered a positively glowing report on America’s economy (did you know we added 42 bajoolion jobs this month?), putting the lie at last to all the people out there pretending to have been out of work and broke and in debt. Fakers. After taking credit for positive economic developments he had nothing to do with, he went on at length about “middle class economics”, which is a fancy way of saying “random stuff with the word free mixed in periodically.” The President’s version of economics includes free community college and free day care. And free Willy. And gluten free. And, well, you get the picture. The FREE picture!!! But if you think it’s actually free, you probably need some college. Just don’t sign up for “middle class economics.” That class only teaches things that are unpossible.

That’s what middle-class economics is: the idea that this country does best when everyone gets their fair shot, everyone does their fair share, everyone plays by the same set of rules.

No, actually, that’s what a sound bite is. Economics is full of math and stuff.

NUMBER 2: OHHH SNAP KEYSTONE. YOU JUST GOT SERVED.

Democrats and Republicans used to agree on this. So let’s set our sights higher than a single oil pipeline; let’s pass a bipartisan …

(APPLAUSE)

… infrastructure plan that could create more than 30 times as many jobs per year and make this country stronger for decades to come.

Yep. That happened. The Maxine Waters “Oh face” was pretty much the only takeaway from this throwaway cheap shot at the Keystone pipeline. Still, if you think that little bit of theater is going to have the progressives online cooing and purring, just wait for ….

NUMBER 1: HE WON
In an ad-lib insight into the petulant ego seething inside President Cool, Obama delivered a snappy put down to the Republicans who mildly applauded when he said he had no more campaigns to run. Here is how it went down.

President: “I have no more campaigns to run.”
Republicans: *scattered applause*
President: “I KNOW BECAUSE I WON BOTH OF THEM”
Chris Matthews: “I just peed a little.”
Democrats on Twitter: “Take me now, oh captain my captain.”

The beauty of it is that those of us who work online get to hear the Like-A-Bossgasm nonstop for the next 5,000 years, which is about how long it will take for America to recover from Obama’s policy decisions. Wait did I say beauty? I meant “oh Lord how do I turn this internet thing off?”

BONUS: During the speech, the comedian in chief snidely commented that Americans don’t want “constant fundraising” from Washington. After the speech, guess what came in the mail?

Just as he finished #SOTU, #Obama emailed me personally, asking for money. And I thought he was busy.

— Marc Silverstein (@onthemarcmedia) January 21, 2015

Drop the mic, Mr. President. You’ve done more to prove the gullibility of Democrat voters than RedState could ever hope to do on our own. You’ve won.

Find Caleb at RabbleWriter.com or on Twitter @CalebHowe.