Transcript of President Barack Obama’s Press Conference:
Thanks for coming and I hope that being in my presence is enough reward for you in the press that have come to pay homage. Now, let me stand just here so that you can get some nice photos of me with my head framed by the presidential seal on the wall… there ya go. OK take your photos now. Good. See how the seal looks like a halo around my anointed head? Excellent. Good work fellas. Oh, and you honey’s too, can’t forget the ladies.
Well, let’s get started…
I know these are hard times we face today. As I sat in the movie theater of my house here in the Nation’s Capitol watching the latest Star Trek movie, I couldn’t escape from thinking about these tough times in which we live. Not even my Kobe beef dinner and cocktails could shake me from my reverie on these hard times. We all must engage in a shared sacrifice firmly shouldering the burden of this mess left for me from the previous administration.
And I really started to think about these challenges we all face, this mess that we are left to grapple with, this knot we are fated to untangle. I know what you are thinking and yes, there is no reason to be too glum. Yes, we are the ones that we’ve been waiting for. I truly believe that we can get past the failures of America and bring our people into the future we deserve.
So, I propose a change. Some out there have said that this country cannot face the challenges ahead, that we are unable to make the changes we need. But I have more faith than ever in the good people of this country, people that embraced me as their ruler.
So let us chart a shinning path to clean up the mess left to me.
But what is it we can do? How might we engender an evocative discussion? Let us start with the very law of the land, the Constitution of the United States of America. This mess left for me is one of the biggest, I must say. This whole business of a “limited” government has got to go. Now I don’t say this because I am an advocate of bigger government… because I’m not. But it is obvious that this Constitution is simply not up with the times. We need urgent change in this emergency. Now, I’ve told the Department of Justice to write a new Constitution, one that will help us all move forward, one that won’t strangle us as that old, outmoded Constitution does. I hope to unveil it soon, but rest assured, the new Constitution will be handed down soon.
Of course, you might think this a small thing. Well, I have more. We all know that newspapers are a vital national interest. If the papers all go under, my message cannot get to you, the people. So, starting tomorrow, I will ask Congress to bailout The New York Times and some other approved papers so that this vital conduit of information can continue to enlighten the people. I have asked Valarie Jarrett to set up a new office where all news will be reviewed before publication. Jarrett will head up this new Office of Information as an outreach to the people.
On the foreign policy front, I have decided that we will no longer use the terms “friends” and “enemies.” How can we continue to discuss joint policies with other nations if they think they are stigmatized by these labels? After all, everyone is just like everyone else, right? We all want the same things in life: a steady job, a family, a career and to be treated like humans. In fact, I will no longer answer to the title “president of the United States.” That is far to limiting in scope and denies the essential human desire felt all over the world for me to be their leader. I have realized that I can’t be the ruler everyone has waited for if I limit myself to being called a president only of the “United States.”
Speaking of that, it is also pretty obvious that I cannot make the changes necessary for this country in the all too brief span of eight short years. Anyone who is informed will realize that I need at least 30 or 40 years to clean up this mess left to me. I mean, I am a young man, ya know? So, since we are giving you a brand new constitution anyway, I’ve asked my good friend Hugo Chavez to help write some new presidential term limits language. Hugo, loved the book, by the way.
Now that I have entered on that long arduous path to rid us of the mess of capitalism that has been left to me, I next will turn my attention to health care. Ya know, I was just telling Michelle that I have also realized that I am the Doctor you all have been waiting for, too. We need a national health care system that is right and good for everyone, we all realize this. The one we have now is just not adequate to these times in which we live. So, to rid us of this mess of health care we will take over the care of all with a new program called the Government Action Committee for Karing Act. I’ve dubbed it the Gack-act so it’s simple for the people to remember. I’ve asked Joe Biden to head up a new People’s Health Insurance plan that will take over and revamp our healthcare needs from now on. Nobody messes with Joe, so I am sure it will go wonderfully well.
Soon healthcare will be available to every man woman and child that deserves it. All doctors and healthcare providers will register with the government to see if they meet our requirements and soon everyone will be evaluated to see if they are worth saving. Once the really sick are gone and no longer a drag on the system, we will be in great shape. We will Gack every sick person in the country with this new program. And I am happy to announce that abortion clinics will be set up in every middle school and high school in the land. All of them, regardless of ideology, will be required to host these wonderful clinics so that we can be fair to every citizen so that they might chose abortion. We respect any who wish to chose life, too. They are free to opt out of all healthcare services if they chose to actually go through with their pregnancy. All these conscientious citizens need do to get back on the list to have healthcare is to agree to an abortion. See, everyone wins here. I am proud to say that a lot of babies will be Gack-ed in the near future.
Finally, I would like to say a few words on Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. It is becoming increasingly obvious that Afghanistan and Iraq are not our primary concern, but Pakistan is. Pakistan needs our help as she struggles to defeat terrorism and the Taliban. So, I propose to send her all the arms and tanks and unmanned ariel hunter vehicles she needs, oh and some nice snappy new uniforms, too, with a nice “O” logo on them. Pakistan has promised that none of this aid will get to the Taliban and their word is good enough for me. Maybe after peace has come to Pakistan, she can help us defeat these recalcitrant quasi governments in Iraq and Afghanistan. The key to the area is Pakistan and I think we are well on our way to peace in our times in that region. On related issues, I have also signed orders to share nuclear power technology with a number of Middle Eastern nations. They’ve all promised not to turn this new power source into weapons and I believe them. We cannot allow new nuclear plants in the USA, but these struggling nations like the United Arab Emirates need our nuclear power help.
Of course, I have many, many more things that we will be turning our attention to in the near future. There are decades and decades of the changes we are waiting for to come. I am humbled by my agenda and I think you’ll love how much better we will be after we finally get out of this mess we’ve been left by all those other presidents of the “United States.” Once the new, better America emerges things will be so much better.
Thank you for coming, for the media the ring kissing ceremony has been moved to 5PM today.