Accountants Seek Bailout

Washington- In this current economic climate, bailouts for industries in the private sector are quickly becoming the chief form of reform and stability. From newspapers to the financial sector to the auto industry, Congress is infusing life saving money into the bloodstream of the country’s economy.

But one sector is finding itself over burdened at an alarming rate. Critics say that much more strain will find the CPA’s and accountants of America buckle and something needs to be done before it’s too late.

Milton Nebish, president of the B.A.N.A.L., the recently combined accountants unions the Bureau of Accountancy and the National Accountants League, is urging Congress to pass SB069, the so called Accountant’s Relief bill, when Congress gets back in session this year.

“If accountants don’t get some respite soon,” Nebish told the AP, “We will have to put our foot down and demand the weekend off.”

Accountants have been in high demand since bailout fever swept Congress.

Accountancy expert Robert “Freesummerwind” Rosenstein, professor of numerology and digit integration for the university of California at Berkeley, appeared before Congress as an expert witness late last year. “Accountants don’t need much,” he told Senators at a preliminary hearing of the subcommittee for numbers and graphs. “It would not take more than two or three billion dollars to correct this situation. But something better happen before it’s too late,” he said.

Professor “Freesummarwind” Rosenstein caused controversy last year when he suggested that Congress also needed a bailout because they had been so over worked. He suggested that a tax be put on gas taxes to raise money for more comfortable chairs for members of the House and Senate. Nice plush ones with cup holders. Critics noted that Rosenstein had a cousin in the office furniture industry and they charged that he was merely trying to drum up business for cousin Sheldon.

Rosenstein’s proposal died in committee, but Congress watchers noted that new chairs arrived several weeks later. Apparently the funds for the purchase was tacked on as an earmark by Nancy Pelosi in the Beeswax Subsidy Bill in the waning hours of 2008.

The B.A.N.A.L. has suggested that Congress establish a fund that all CPA’s and certified accountants can access. From that fund, accountants across the country can get recompense for “magic finger massage units,” green eye shades, really neat calculators in popular cartoon character shapes, subscriptions to trade magazines like “Numbers Week,” and “AddIt” or tickets to Deepak Chopra’s newest self-help seminar “You Count.” B.A.N.A.L. is also asking for 8 weeks paid vacation every year for every certified accountant in the country.

Nebish said that if Congress comes through with this much needed bailout, each accountant would be able to afford a pair of Nikes and a “Volkswagen to wow that ladies.” But Nebish also said that the Nikes are negotiable.

“We aren’t unreasonable,” he told reporters after the hearings, “We just want what every red-blooded American wants. A pile of cash that we can waste on things we don’t really need all from the bottomless generosity of the American taxpayers.”

Senator Charles Schumer (D, NY) said yesterday that Accountants are having tough times out there and that Congress should not make accountants suffer in this economy. “Bush obviously hates accountants like he hates puppies and babies,” Schumer said at the Capitol on Friday. “If he had a heart he’d push for this much needed reform,” Schumer said to the knowing looks from reporters.

Experts say, though, that Mister Bush will probably not address this situation and leave yet another broadening mess to the incoming Obama Administration to fix. Obama did not comment on the deepening crisis as he golfed in Hawaii.

But we are sure that all he need do is lay hands on the accountants and they’ll be able to walk again. Barack is the dreamiest hero to ever walk the earth.

Republicans wondered where all this money was going to come from and demanded the Democrats find a way to fully fund this plan. But reporters called them Nazis and ignored them as usual.

B.A.N.A.L. president Nebish was seen in a yellow Volkswagen Jetta smoking a big cigar recently. “This is the life,” he was heard to mumble.

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